Family Ties, Part II

Rebuilding Ties

So I decided a few years ago that I didn't care what feuds were going on that I didn't understand anyway... I wanted to get to know my Mom's family. Evidently, Uncle Blacksheep had already returned to Kansas and back into Yiy's life some years before. He and Mom still weren't talking, though.

Now, I've kept a tradition of sending out Christmas newsletters ever since I got out of the Navy ten years ago. So I procured my Uncle's address from Yiy, and included him on my Christmas card list. It had been a VERY long time since I'd ever seen him, his wife or my cousins. I was happy to receive a card back from my Aunt, Mrs. Uncle Blacksheep, and was gratified that improved relations were making progress.

Tragedy Strikes

Then their second son was killed... I think the very next year. It's a rather long, morbid story, but the gist of the situation was that the girl my cousin married had some really bad issues going on with her parents (whom I can only conclude aren't quite all-together upstairs) regarding her baby son. Her folks wanted custody, and when the courts awarded the child to her and my cousin, I guess her dad went over the deep end. He proceeded to calmly walk into the Wal-Mart where my cousin worked, and shoot him squarely in the head and heart. And then the grandmother tried to kidnap the child from his daycare the very same day.

Needless to say, the tragedy was a huge shock to the whole family. I mean, I hadn't even seen my cousin since we were... oh at least under the age of 10. I was not only shocked, but saddened that just when I was trying to reach out and reform ties with that part of my family, I lost any chance of getting to know my cousin as an adult.

I think any forward progress I'd made at that point kind of slipped backwards again. I mean, my Uncle and his family weren't exactly in the most sociable frame of mind... and quite understandably. But amway, though the psycho with the gun was immediately arrested, his wife was still at large and had already attempted to kidnap the kid once. So all information about the funeral was being kept hush hush. All we had was what Mom learned from Yiy, and Mom kept trying to find out when and where it was going to be so she could try to make arrangements to get to Kansas. Unfortunately, I'm sure people were busy and forgot to get back with her, cuz we never heard from them. So we never made it.

Forging New Family Bonds

Evidently, this caused hurt feelings. Though, we were not aware of it until recently. But before I can explain that further, let me first discuss a couple of long-time friends of Mom, Pop and myself, who live back in San Diego. When my folks were a young couple, moved to San Diego away from their families cuz that's where the Navy stationed them, they lived next door to Red and Shorty. That's actually the names I've known these people by my entire life. Shorty's, well... extremely short. And Red's not only very tall, but also has a pair of rosy cheeks that earned him his nickname. They are the sweetest, funniest, most loyal people I know, and they almost immediately took my folks in as part of their family, treating em as their own kids. When I came along, they became my adoptive grandparents... the only ones I really ever knew very well for most of my childhood.

But then my folks moved to the Midwest shortly after I joined the Navy. In the 10 years since, they've kept meaning to get back to visit Red and Shorty, but never got around to it. I've had the pleasure to see them, however, since I've made several trips back to see other friends as well. Amway, just this year, Red was briefly hospitalized with heart problems, and his prognosis for surviving the year was not the most optimistic. On the plus side, he's still alive and kickin at this time (he really is the quintessential tough-old-coot), so I look forward to seeing him and Shorty when I get to San Diego next month. But a few months ago, things weren't looking so good. So Mom and Pop decided they really needed to finally go see him before it was his funeral they were attending. And they did... in April, I believe, cuz it was over Easter weekend.

Hurt Feelings & Misunderstandings

Well, I guess Yiy raised a fuss that Mom could take the time to go visit Red and Shorty, but couldn't take the time to attend her nephew's funeral. This on top of a few other things that were going on in which Mom was again being exluded or cut off from her family. It was one straw too many for Mom. Family is so important to her, and there went Yiy being her uncompromising and seemingly judgmental self over the matter. I don't think it helps that Yiy and Mom never had the chance for their relationship to evolve from one of mother/daughter, dominant/submissive into that of equal adults. I feel lucky that Mom and I have had the opportunity to get to know each other as adults and develop a mutually respecting relationship.

Amway, I wasn't happy. I tend to get a bit protective of those I care about. I'll put up with a lot of crap on my own behalf before blowing up, but I don't tolerate abuse of my family at ALL. It's a trait shared by all of the women in my family, as far as I know. I proceeded to send a letter to my grandmother, informing her precisely what I thought about her and her treatment of the situation. I remained civil and accorded her the respect due to her station, but informed her that my respect for her as a person had been severely compromised. I think I'd discovered yet another aspect of Yiy's personality that I'd never really known. The last line of my letter invited my grandmother to compare my mother's families... that to which she was born, and the one she chose. And while she's questioning Mom's loyalties, consider which one has made her feel like a welcome part of the family. I left it at that.

To Be Resolved...

I haven't heard back from Yiy yet. I'm sure this is not the end of our discourse, though. Perhaps we'll find a way to talk in person. But in the meantime, both Mom and I have since been surprised by short notes from Uncle Blacksheep. I'm not sure if these overtures have anything to do with my comments to Yiy, but I've been very gratified by the positive step. His e-mail today gave me a little bit of hope that maybe I can get back on track on getting to know them. Maybe, in the many travels I hope to accomplish this coming year, I can include a trip to Kansas.

And mebbe I can bring Mom along and help her rebuild some bridges of her own.