Fear

The Basics

So what am I afraid of? Not an awful lot, really. I mean, I've got the basics that are pretty much universal to human nature: pain, loss of a loved one, Thermo-Nuclear War. I don't really fear death, though. A painful death, certainly... but life is all about transformations anyway. I firmly believe in reincarnation... and what is that but transformation of energy from one form to another? I'd be sad for those I'd leave behind... but it's not like anybody's life will be put into major hardship if I wasn't here. I'm sure my outlook would change if I had children, but for now I'm okay with it.

No Water, Please

And then there are the quirks. Everybody's got em. My only tangible fear I can think of is water. I have no problem getting wet right up to my neck... but then I have to seriously psyche myself into submerging my face. In Navy boot, we were required (for obvious reasons) to prove we were capable of keeping ourselves afloat. After hours of fighting the problem, my swimming instructor finally came up with the brilliant idea of teaching me how to backstroke. I was great! I could toodle myself straight across that pool with nary a drop of water on my face. And only once has anybody made the mistake of dunking me. I think during the course of my panic I managed to kick him squarely in the face. I mean, I didn't do it on purpose, but we quickly came to an agreement about dunking me without warning.

I'm not really sure where this fear comes from. I have no recollection of childhood near-drowning traumas. The only conclusion I can come to is that I drowned in my last life. See, I have this theory that at least some of our inexplicable fears come from past lives. Well, it's a theory, anyway.

I'm Sorry, Did I Hurt You?

Now intangible fears... those are the doozies. The ones that are inspired solely by one's own psyche. I think my most daunting is a form of social anxiety. But almost as big is the fear NOT that I will experience pain or death... or even that those I care about will do so ... but that I will somehow directly be the cause of it for another person or animal. It's a rather irrational fear, I know, but I find myself driving extra carefully in rural areas... seriously concerned that I'll accidentally run something over. I haven't so far, but I know I'll be a mess if or when I ever do. I guess I'm just one big bleeding heart. And a tree-hugger to boot... always tryin to save the world 'n shit.

I can't even kill bugs... Mom humored me and hooked me up with a li'l bug-catcher with which I can scoop up a miniature marauder in the house and safely deposit it outside. Well, I actually should clarify that there are SOME bugs I can kill. Anything that gangs up on me or attacks me is dead meat. So self-protection isn't an issue, at least.

True nightmares for me are when I've suddenly succumbed to a destructive rage and start beatin the livin crap outta somebody or something. I guess I fear that more than accidents, because I know that human nature harbors the capacity for great cruelty as well as great compassion. I never want to see that in myself, but I know I could given the right circumstances.

Social Anxiety

As for the social anxiety... well, that one seems more complicated. It's the only one that has actually limited my ability to do some of the things I wanted to do. I've almost joined any number of organizaitons, social groups or classes... even managed to get through the entire process of applying and registering for a degree program at the University once... only to panic yet again at the 11th hour and drop out before even walking into class.

I don't really bemoan the losses, though... in fact, I've simply adapted my lifestyle to accomodate. I genuinely enjoy my time to myself. But it doesn't stop me from traveling, which I love to do... nor does it compromise my enjoyment of time spent with friends I already know well and with whom I'm comfortable. It's just new places and people that require my interaction that are a problem (except online... I seem to have no issues online at all, which could explain why I've managed to make so many friends here.) Ironically, I've gone through countless new jobs over the last 13 years... with new peeps and new enviornments. But I suppose I've found a way to adapt to such situations within a professional capacity. I simply remain ensconsed inside a bubble in which nobody is allowed to the real me... at least until I get used to the place and can accept the environment as my own. It's a trick I created for being able to force myself up on stage before audiences of thousands for piano competitions and performances when I was a kid. It works well enough, and I manage to get through life just fine.

For now. I know if the problem every truly bothers me enough, I'll put the effort into finding a way to overcome it. I've done that with plenty of other things I didn't like about myself or my life in the past. I'm a true believer in remaining pro-active with one's life... claiming control and taking responsibility. And that anything can be accomplished if it's important enough to you. But right now, my anxiety doesn't really hinder anything truly important enough for me to fuss about it.

Amway, aside from these small neuroses, I'm perfectly normal. *grin* Relatively.