*Blink*

Awake

So I'm well and truly awake now. Good grief, students keep horrid hours. I woke about an hour ago to an unknown number of individuals descending from my upstairs neighbor's apartment like a herd of rampaging elephants. And cigarette smoke. *sigh*

Now it's back to machine guns. I'm really gonna have to talk to the dood(s) when I get back. Mom has threatened to go straight to the apartment manager to complain while I'm gone. I told her that if she's actually bothered by anything while she's here, to feel free... otherwise I hope I have her convinced to hold off doing it just for my sake. I was okay with my arrangement for a while, and everybody else (ie: my friends and family) seemed to have more issue with it than I did. I realize it can't be a standing situation, but I'd still prefer to deal with it my way.

I hope she has no problems while I'm gone though. Since she won't be here in the wee hours of the night, the noise shouldn't bother her. The smoke, however, might be a problem. Her allergies are worse than mine... hers is a contact allergy to formaldehyde... it swells her throat up til it closes up and she can't breathe. My only consolation is that opening the patio door can get some fresh air in the apartment.

Opportunity in Disguise

Amway, I'm pretty awake by now. Not chipperly so, but I don't think I can get back to sleep. I tried to lay there for a li'l while in hopes of doing so, but had little luck... and there was certainly no fooling Ms. Pukesalot. She decided it was an opportune time to come get some loves and attention. Which, since I'm feeling guilty for abandoning her for 10 days, I was happy to oblige.

So I suppose that will be a perfectly acceptible way to while away my time until Pop gets here in an hour to take me to the airport. I at least now have plenty of time to get all the last minute stuff squared away and myself dressed... and to sit with the cat for a li'l while. :)

I just know I'm gonna crash out REAL early tonight... lol

Photo of the Week

Okee, I finally decided a pic of my packing progress would be perfect. I took this just earlier, though it's all done now. All I have now is to sit down with Ms. Pukesalot, once I get this posted.

I don't really have a quote of the week. I'm on the phone with Fussbudget now, and she can't think of one, either. I suppose Pop's comment from Crash Follow Up will work quite nicely. :)

Woo-hoo!!

Permanent!

So I just got good news. Boss called me into his office to let me know that the top cahuna just provided the last siggy on my papers, and I am officially permanent! The Office Manager made sure he let me know just as soon as THEY knew, cuz she knew I’d feel much better leaving tomorrow. She really does have my back. :)

He said they couldn’t quite pull a raise in the middle of the fiscal year, but they’ll really try for one at the beginning of the next one in July. Who knows if that’ll ever happen, but I’m all kinds of excited just to be guaranteed a job next month. :)

Spillin it

Plus, when I went into Mom’s office to share the good news, we startin talking about how this will be a good place to stay while we’re still in Misery. I took that opportunity to tell her I’ve been thinking of movin back to San Diego… but I also told her about all the issues I’ve been considering, and how I intend to fully weigh the pros and cons… especially while I’m there this month to get a good feel for the place. As I thought, she supports any decision I make, so long as I don’t “go into it half-cocked”. *grin* She just wants to make sure I don’t find myself unprepared in a bad situation. But I think I’ve sufficiently assured her that I have a decent financial gameplan that will be the only way I’ll go through with the idea.

Decisions

I can appreciate her concern. She and Pop have been balancing a few options of their own recently, about where they’re gonna go and what they’re gonna do. She’s seriously considering Canada… she’s kinda fed up with our political system at the moment… lol Hopefully, once the friggin cutthroat elections are done with and things smooth down, she’ll be a li’l more forgiving.

Leaving Early?

Amway, my friend just asked me what I’m going to do to celebrate. Not sure I have many options, but I may take off a li’l early today… get the rest of my packing and stuff done so I can kick back and watch the West Wing premiere. And sit with my cat. :)

I’m just in all kinds of a good mood… An excellent way to be sent off on vacation. I really do indulge in fussing entirely too much. *grin*

Crash Follow Up

So I was talkin to the folks about the recent plane crashes at lunch today, and Pop looks around covertly and says:

"I'm not supposed to say anything, but they've instituted a new missile testing program, and they're using small planes as targets."

He almost pulled it off with a straight face, too.

*snicker*

Focker.

Antsy

Nothin to Do

So I pretty much have nothing to do at work today. I cleaned up all of my pending tasks yesterday, and obviously nobody’s giving me any new long-term projects to work on. I yapped with the office gals for a while this morning about the trip, but that only takes so much time. I turned in my timesheet for the week already, and The Retiree looked at me with a li’l surprise and asked if I was actually gonna be here all day. I may decide not to, depending on how thoroughly bored I get. Bus Snob promised to be online to keep me company, but it seems she’s busy every time I’m bored, and vice versa… lol.

Mom n Pop Time

Mom and Pop and I will be goin out to lunch today… our last before I leave tomorrow. I’ll be seeing them tonight too, though, cuz mom needs some more pics taken with my dig cam for her Interior Design homework, plus I need to pick up a special lock they’re loaning me. One of those that you can put on your luggage, and all the airports have a special universal key for it so they can open up your bags for an inspection without destroying your lock.

Confirmation

I just talked to the student I share my office with, and he confirmed that the noises I’ve been hearing from upstairs could be a game. I wasn’t sure, cuz upon further thought, I realized I heard no other part of a game… just machine gun fire. But he explained that that is frequently the loudest part of the game… background noises could be much lower, so only the sharp staccato sounds penetrate through the ceiling.

Plane Crashes

So there have been 2 plane crashes in Misery just within the last few weeks. One in Jeff City last week… the pilot evidently managed to crash between a couple of houses. I think that one was just him and a copilot in a small plane. I only caught bits and pieces of the news on the local radio. But another crash yesterday in northeastern Misery near Kirksville just made national news… read it on CNN this morning. Another small plane… twin engine turboprop commuter carrying 13 passengers. This one crashed in the woods about 3 miles out from the airport it was aiming for.

They’re not sure what caused the crash, but it was storming out. Evidently 2 of the passengers survived and are in the hospital. THAT is amazing. I’m not really the superstitious type. But I have to admit that 2 crashes within my own flight is slightly unnerving. Cuz the plane I’ll be taking from Columbia/Jeff City airport to St. Louis is another small plane. And we're supposed to have rainy/stormy weather all week. Oh well… the last time I was on a plane at all was one month after 9/11… I didn’t cancel THAT flight, and I was a helluva lot more nervous… lol

New IHOP Family Member

Oh, I forgot to mention in yesterday’s blog that I learned from IHOP Buddy that they have a new 6-week old kitten. White with “blurry” orange stripes. They got him from a friend who’s cat spawned. He’s evidently quite friendly and seems to be acclimating to his new home very well. Their youngest child is a li’l older than the last time they had a kitten, so hopefully she’ll be able to handle this one better. She was a bit rough with the last one, poor li’l thing, with the jerky awkwardness of a li’l kid. Amway, I’ll have to go see them when I get back to meet the li’l dood.

Welp, that’s about all I have for now. I’ll be back on tonight to post this week’s Photo of the Week. I took a comprehensive sweep of pics around the entire apartment yesterday, so I could show my friends when I get to San Diego. I really have no other pics to share for this week, so I’ll probly post one of those. :)

Until tonight…

Almost Ready

Lotta Stuff Done

So I've been pretty busy tonight. I got the place all spiffed up except the vaccuming (it's kinda late, and I don't wanna be noisy), yappin with IHOP Buddy on the phone for a bit to make the cleaning go by quicker.

I have one of my two bags packed, plus the backpack I'll take on the plane with me. I have extra stuff to pack this trip because I'm taking a costume (including various and sundry accoutraments) for the Halloween Haunted House at H.N.'s folks' place. Plus, special clothes and First Aid stuff for the care of fresh tat work. I dunno if my artist will be workin on part or all of the tatwork on me, but I'm gonna be prepared for large portions of my skin needing treatment.

Guilt Trip

Tomorrow, I just have to vaccum, run one last load of laundry, take the trash out, pack the garment bag, and switch out the stuff from my purse to the fanny pack. And give Ms. Pukesalot LOTS and LOTS of lap time. She's firmly insinuated herself on my lap right now... it's the first time I've sat down all night. She knows somethin's up and isn't happy about it. She doesn't do so well when I abandon her on vacation. *sigh*

Mom doesn't do so well, either, cuz she gets major guilt trips when she has to leave Ms. Pitiful each evening. I try not to plan TOO many long trips. But I've left the necessary stuff out for Mom to clean up the results of Ms. Pukesalot's inevitable upset stomach, while I'm gone.

Pain Report

I'm pretty tired at the moment, though thankfully painfree... mostly. My head's still kinda on that teeter totter, but the environment at work was a LOT better than it was yesterday, so I was able to stick it out til the of the day with no problems. I ended up goin home early yesterday and accomplished nothing but taking lots of drugs and hiding under a pillow until I was at least able to stand watching the tv. I had to finish up FarScape, after all. I taped the whole thing for Radish, and will take it with me to San Diego. She loved the show, herself, but evidently doesn't get Sci-Fi Channel anymore.

Movie Night

And speaking of Radish, I chatted with her a bit today, and I guess the girls have a movie night planned for Thursday, considering my plane arrives just a li'l before noon their time. It'll be a nice quiet evening (especially since we head out to Santa Maria the next day) but seeing as I'll be waking up at 4:30 in the morning to catch that flight, I hope they don't mind if I snooze out a time or two during the movies... lol

Checking In

I'm gonna try my best to get online to blog a li'l each day while I'm there... Alm's 'puter may be a li'l slow, but it's still in good workin order. I'll probly have to skip a bit over the weekend in Santa Maria, but I plan to keep a li'l notebook on me to remember anything important, and just kinda backdate. :)

Not Drums?

Okee, my mind's beginnin to wander with fatigue, so I'd best wrap this up. Just 2 other things I wanted to note: 1) I think I've been wrong about the drums upstairs. I think I automatically came to the conclusion that they were drums because I HAVE heard a band recently... just wasn't sure where it was originating. When I started hearing the noises upstairs, I naturally put 2 and 2 together and came up with 5. I always thought they were an unusual pattern for drums, but could think of no other explanation.

But I've been really listening lately (not at night... can't hear it in the living room *grin*) and came to the conclusion that it sounds more like a friggin sewing machine. Which still wasn't adding up with the rest of the picture, but it was a much better descriptive for the sound. And tonight I think I've finally nailed the culprit... it sounds precisely like a machine gun. I'm pretty positive what I'm hearing is one of those shoot 'em up games for computer, Nintendo and/or Playstation.

I'm not sure if this revelation helps me at all in my comfort level of discussing the issue with them. I know I've been hesitant about leaving a note about it (since nobody seems to be answering the door when I knock), cuz I haven't been 100% sure of what the noise actually was. I'm now glad I didn't leave a note asking them to please cut down on the drums at night, cuz then I'd have sounded like an idiot. Mebbe now I can have hope they'll get tired of the game, eh? lol

Ah well... either way, I won't mess with it til I get back.

Bus Snob

And the second thing I wanted to mention was the honor Bus Snob gave me today by changing the URL of her blog to Bus Snob. I think she had other reasons to want to change the addy, but it was awesome that she changed it to my nickname for her. I told her I didn't know whether to feel honored or to bust out laughing. She told me to bust out laughing, and then feel honored.

So I did. lol

Asbestos Blows

So this morning I was reminded of a possible factor to my fatigue, shortness of breath and light headedness this weekend. See, they've been operating some sort of asbestos removal process here at work from some nearby vacant office space... for about a week now.

It wasn't OVERLY noticeable most of last week... until about Friday. They're using some sort of solvent for the process, and it was vaguely apparent last week... but is overbearing today. In some places of the building it smells strongly of chlorine, in other places, we're treated to that strong chemical paint smell. And then there are REALLY loud fans all over the building trying to pull the stench out.

Mom thinks the effects have simply been cumulative over the past week... and I may have been particularly susceptible with my recent stress and lots of activity this weekend. She got an instant migraine when she got to work... I was already nursing a possible one, and it quickly solidified as soon as I got here, too. And my lightheadedness and shortness of breath is worse... I can hardly think straight, sound like a moron when I'm talkin to anybody (well, worse than usual) and I'm exhausted from just walkin down the hall. Mom's got the same thing goin on... lots of folks are havin probs. We've been seriously considering everybody simply going home. I know one of the preggo ladies in Construction Management walked straight back out the door as soon as she got in and was hit by the smell.

This is pretty much how I've felt all weekend... just worse. Blech. It's actually a LOT like what I feel like on my pain meds... only I haven't taken any in several days. Which is what was throwing me off. Just what I need to take with me on my trip. *sigh*

I'd write more, but can't really think of anything, and am not thinkin really straight anyway. Just tryin to focus on squarin away the misc. tasks everybody's gettin to me before I leave.

P.S. One last bitch: it's friggin FREEZING in here, cuz we also have all the doors and windows open tryin to air out the place. I suppose I'd take cold over stench... at least I can put a sweater on. Not sure how long we'll be able to do that, though... we had some pretty good thunderstorms comin through overnight, with more forecast periodically through the day.

Tired

So Much to Do, So Little Time

Well, I had a few things I wanted to blog about today, but am extremely tired. Physically and mentally... not even quite sure why. Possibly the combined recent stress at home, work and planning for the trip. I really haven't relaxed this weekend... as soon as I get one thing done, I remember 2 other things I need to do to 1) pack for the trip and 2) leave my place hospitable for Mom when she's here to watch after Ms. Pukesalot while I'm gone.

At least I HAVE gotten a lotta things done these last few days, but I think the rest of my list will have to wait for the remaining 3 evenings before I leave. Just waitin for the last load of laundry to come out of the drier, and then I think it's time to make up some french toast and veg in front of the tv. FarScape starts at 8:00 I think, but there's still plenty of other veg-material until then. :)

An Old Friend

However, before I sign out, I want to make note of a coupla things to further discuss later: First, another H.S. friend I hope to see while I'm in San Diego, and whom I chatted with for a li'l while Friday afternoon. I'm still not sure what name to give him here... mebbe Sophisticated Goofball (S.G. for short, obviously). Cuz he's very sharp, creative, cultured, a true gentleman (for the most part) yet is also a total goof in the most off-the-wall fashion. An interesting combination of traits. Our friendship has not had a chance to develop very much into adulthood, but I hope to have a chance to do so. But more on him later.

An Abbreviated Dream Chronicle

The other item is another dream that's really too short for it's own Dream Chronicles post. But I want to make note of it because it is a pretty strong indicator of what's been on my mind lately: I dreamed I was in San Diego and had a job interview in L.A. In fact, I'd had a lot of interviews in the dream. It had a very positive and upbeat feel, and the only stress was tryin to find directions to the place. :) I remember not even minding the prospect of a job in L.A. (rather than S.D.), even though I'm not particularly fond of the place.

Possibilities Abound

I hope this means my subconscious is beginning to accept the possibility that I could actually succeed on my own out there. One of the things I want to get into later about my convo with S.G. is the context of how he still views me: as the musician he knew 13 years ago. The convo was a good one, and I began to feel flickers of inspiration again to possibly pursue a career in music education.

Just more food for the veritable banquet of thought I've been handed lately. :)

Four Rows

Whiskers

So I learned a fascinating new fact today. Well, I suppose nobody else would consider it fascinating, but I seem to be obsessed. Evidently, ALL cats have four rows of whiskers on each side of their face. I have closely inspected every cat who has had the misfortune to cross my path (okay, two), and have thus far verified this startling new revelation with 100% results.

I dunno why this seems so strange to me... perhaps I just always considered hair to be much more... random. Oh well... I'm a dorque.

The things one learns from Trivial Pursuit... *shaking head*

FarScape

So yeah, we had our weekly Family Dinner tonight instead of the usual Sunday, cuz Mom and I HAVE to catch the first two hours of the FarScape mini-series starting tomorrow night. See, we were pretty hooked on the show when it was on Sci-Fi channel up to about a year ago. I think it ran for 4 seasons. And the producers didn't expect the show to get cut, so the show was left with an INCREDIBLY unacceptible cliff-hanger for what they thought was a Season Finale but ended up a Series Finale.

I wouldn't be surprised if the poor folks received death threats from rabidly loyal fans on the matter. So they managed to make things right by at least finishing up the storyline with a 4-hour mini-series. Needless to say, it has been highly anticipated.

Who's on First

We ended up our night watching an episode of the Comedy Hour with Abbott and Costello... the one featuring their "Who's on First" routine. I don't quite remember how the subject came up during the course of the night, but we were in the mood to see it after Mom and Pop whumped Gram and me yet again at Trivial Pursuit... and Mom happened to have the skit on VHS. I swear, it cracks me up every time... though it never seems to be quite as funny as it was the first time I watched it years ago. I think I was literally rolling on the floor that first time. *grin*

The Cost of Beauty

My day has otherwise been rather uneventful. Aside from a mornin phone yap, I pretty much spent it squaring away my bills for the rest of the month, and epilating. Both thoroughly FUN activities. The bills actually didn't take too long, but I spent about 4 hours over my legs... and I'm still not done yet. I could write reams on the major inconvenience associated with extremely sensitive skin and the culture of hair removal. *sigh* All I'll say, however, is that I intend to seriously look into a new inexpensive professional procedure of permanent hair removal that I've heard advertised recently. I've tried everything else... what's one more shot, eh?

But that's about all I have for today. I'm pretty tired... though my neck and head are doing much better, regardless the 4 hours of hunching.

Until tomorrow. :)

Anybody Got a Machete?

Pain

So I’m hurtin today. It’s one of those days when I just wish somebody’d chop off my head. Mom always asks for arsenic when hers get like this… and insists nobody loves her when we won’t give her any… lol The cause of my current joy could be any number of factors, but I’d be willing to wager the stress of dealing with both my home and work debacles have contributed their fair share.

I visited the chiropractor yesterday on the way home from work, and it helped a little bit. But I still feel like I have a nerve pinched at the base of my skull… and the heat and pain (not to mention nausea) are radiating through my head, neck and down my arm. However, I’m not sure if more professional crackin and poppin will help anything today… sometimes it’s just the swelling from my bones getting forced back into place that presses on the nerves. *sigh* I’ll put more ice on it tonight, and probably go in again on Monday. I want to hit this thing completely outta the park by Thursday.

I took a full dose of meds at lunch, and am waiting for them to dull things a li’l bit. I don’t dare take much more until I get home… else I won’t be able to GET home. I probly would have stayed in this mornin, knocked myself out on drugs and hid under a pillow, if my job weren’t in the balance. As it is, I woke up around 4 this morning, unable to get back to sleep, but still groggy on the meds I took before I crashed. Kinda sucked all around.

Job News

However, at least I had some pretty good news on the job balance issue this mornin. The Office Manager IM’d today to tell me that the PM’s told The Boss, in their meeting this morning, precisely what she’s been telling him about my position… essentially that I actually AM useful. In fact, one of them actually got pissed off that he was even questioning it. Which made me feel a lot better. I have a real good rapport with the PM’s from working so closely with them all the time, and I now know they’ve got my back.

However, regardless the support I have in my corner, the only true result I can count on is the progress of the paperwork to make me permanent. And that left the office today on it’s journey up the signature line. There’s still the possibility it could be stalled somewhere in the process, but I think the major hurdle has been surpassed.

Problem Solving

Of course, Bus Snob gave me the sensible Good Friend Lecture on how I could better look after my interests instead of leaving my fate up to the good will of others… and ideas on better communicating with The Boss (who evidently has no idea what I do) to facilitate a more positive interaction with him. Well, our convo included a lotta things… mostly relating to the fact that I’ve found myself in a few situations lately where I’ve been put on the defensive, and discussing different ways to deal with it. I know I tend to trust peeps at their word (within reason) until they give me reason to believe otherwise. I suppose I could be too trusting in some respects, but I guess it’s part of that “treating others how I’d want to be treated myself” train of thought. I know my friend’s point is that I shouldn’t do so to the detriment of my own interests or well being.

Now, I’ll say this much about sensible lectures… I’m great at giving them. However, I’m still workin on better learning how to take them without getting defensive. lol Though, I think my head wasn’t helping matters much in that endeavor. However, my friend did acknowledge that it’s much easier to be able to dispense such advice from an outside perspective… like it was easy for me to advise her this morning not to let another person’s spiteful words anger her. It’s easy to see the logic of what somebody’s telling you, but it frequently doesn’t seem quite so simple from the inside.

Swallowing my Pride

Amway, that’s about all I can contribute for today. Except to make note that I finally broke down and pulled the size 14 jeans outta storage today. It’s a nasty wake-up call as to the neglect of my health, and a blow to the pride after my brilliant success last year of gettin myself to the point that 12’s were hangin offa me again. But at least I can breathe and I’m MUCH more comfy. I’m sure I’ll get back to my exercise regime (the schedule I started several weeks ago long fell to the wayside, btw) and better eating habits eventually. Though, it may not be until after the holidays. Those are a HORRIBLE time to try to be good… lol

Boss’s Day

Out to Lunch (Again)

So Saturday is Boss’s Day, though we celebrated it today. I didn’t realize this until yesterday when we were informed we’re all takin The Boss to lunch today. Of course, I haven’t been the most thrilled with The Boss, but I couldn’t exactly boycott just cuz he holds the enigma of my employment in his hands. Though, I did discover at lunch that he has at least one redeeming quality: He’s no Bush fan, either… *grin*

Amway, we ate at a li’l Mexican Restaurant that’s just a few blocks away. We’ve been there once before… possibly for Secretary’s Day… lol. Pretty good food and cute waiters. In fact, I was sitting between Mom and the Office Manager, and O.M. informed me near the end of lunch that our waiter was checkin me out. Of course, being my anti-social self, I was completely oblivious to it until she said anything. Then, when she was trying to point the dood out, The Boss (who was sitting on the other side of Mom) wanted to know what we were whispering about. O.M. told him it was girl stuff, and I turned a characteristic shade of red.

The Blush Factor

I have very fair skin, so the results of am embarrassed blush can be rather spectacular. *sigh* One of the PM’s delights in making me blush. Not with sexual innuendo, of course… 1) it would be entirely inappropriate for the workplace and 2) My years in the military have conditioned me to get as raunchy as the best of em. *grin* ‘Sides, anybody who knows my online personae would laugh hysterically at the notion of my being embarrassed over sexual innuendo. However, there’s still plenty to get embarrassed about.

Matchmaker

Amway, O.M. has been diligently attempting to set me up with any number of guys since I met her a year ago… much like IHOP Buddy, actually. Today, O.M. kept trying to get me to leave a dollar bill at my tableplace (the official tip had already been figured when we divvied up the bill) with my number on it. *shaking head* Of course, all I had left on me after paying my bill was a $10, and I don’t think that was QUITE the message I’d have wanted to give… even if I’d been inclined to follow up on her suggestion. *grin*

Completed Arena

Just a note I’ve been meaning to bring up: we just recently finished our New Basketball Arena. I pass it every morning on the way to work, and it’s been interesting watching it’s construction, from the ground breaking, to the lowering of the roof, to the planting of the landscaping…. plus widening the li’l backroad that leads to it, and laying down sidewalk. Of course, maneuvering around all the equipment on that li’l backroad wasn’t fun. We got to tour the inside of it while it was still under construction, for Secretary’s Day. The contractors started just before I started working here… and finished the major construction last month. Now they’re just setting the final touches of landscaping, furniture, etc..

The new Arena will host it’s first Basketball Game mid-November. Mizzou, like any University, is proud of their Athletics, so this is a major big deal for them. I should say “us”, but I honestly don’t give much of a rat’s ass about sports. lol It’s a cool building, though. :) Paige Sports Arena

It’s kind of cool to work in a department in which you can see definitive results of your work, regardless your role in the process.

Déjà vu

Somber Day

So today’s been a bit of a downer. This morning, the Office Manager asked me to send her the list of my duties they asked me to put together months ago, so she can include it into the Justification Letter for making my position permanent. I guess The Boss is gonna pass the list by the rest of the Project Managers during their meeting tomorrow morning, and then send the paperwork on up the signature line.

However, at the same time, O.M. shoots out a top-secret e-mail to the administrative staff letting us know that The Boss is watching us closely and is making noises about proving justification for the existence of our positions. So we need to lay low and mind our p’s and q’s (ie: I need to make sure I look busy, and get my ass to work on time). Mom seems to think this is because Campus Facilities will be getting a new Director soon, and The Boss is just tryin to make sure his own ass is covered in justifying the need for all of the departmental staff. I guess he suddenly has reasons to somehow doubt that justification, and O.M. says that if anybody’s position is disposable, it would be mine since it is still officially only temporary.

Never mind that he has assured me on several occasions that I would have a job in November. Here’s hoping that he’s the sort to keep his promises over covering his ass. Though, I also understand that some things may not be in his control. I guess the day of reckoning is Monday… after it’s had a chance to pass the Campus Facility Director’s desk. I guess I’ll just have to wait until then. Limbo is such a WONDERFUL feeling.

She Told Me So

I just wish I’d have known months ago about this justification issue. Perhaps it’s a concern that has only recently been raised and little could have been done to predict it. Bus Snob reminds me she told me a while back I should start putting out feelers elsewhere just to cover MY ass… and I probably should have listened to her at the time. I simply trusted those who assured me time and time again that they would keep me on. Oh well.

Mom thinks it’s a lotta fuss for nothing. She thinks The Boss is just covering his bases… that he intends to keep everybody, just making sure he can confidently justify our positions if they are ever challenged. I’ve just been too recently burned, though, so I guess my fuss-meter on this particular issue is already calibrated a li’l high. I don’t think I’m gonna have any rest on the matter until every signature has been secured on the transfer paperwork.

Déjà vu

I won’t be surprised at all, though, if things are still in the air by time I leave for San Diego in a week. And the weird part is, I experienced the exact same uncertainty before my trip LAST year to Ohio. BattleAx and I blew up one last time, and I finally gave notice during a meeting early in July. I wanted to give a few month’s notice, considering the length of time it would take for me to find a new job, and for her to find a replacement. However, she was in a snit and informed me I had until the end of July.

My trip to Ohio was already scheduled for the beginning of August and I obviously made little progress in the job hunting quest by that point. Fortunately, BattleAx made even less progress in finding a replacement, so at the end of the month she took back her hasty deadline and we agreed that I’d have until the end of Sept. or whenever I found a new position… whichever came first. The reprieve helped my frame of mind a little bit, so I was able to focus more on enjoying my trip. However, the knowledge still hung over my head that I was gonna be out of a job in 2 months and had no bites on a new one.

As it turned out, I finally secured my current job in November, so I was really only out of work for a month and a half… but it was a total of 4 ½ months of job hunting. That’s the longest it’s ever taken me to find work in Columbia. It was pretty draining, and I don’t really look forward to doing it again. However, I know I don’t need to be afraid of it, cuz I managed to survive the last one just fine.

Good and Screwed

Unfortunately, my month and a half of unemployment screwed me both ways with the University System. It was just long enough to be considered an official severance, so I lost all seniority and benefits accumulation. I had to start over, including my 6-month probationary period… whereas I would have kept everything with a clean transfer.

However, my absence wasn’t a SHORT enough time for me NOT to be considered a transfer in terms of position level. See, when you make a lateral transfer within the system (ie: move to another position on the same payscale) the new department is not allowed to offer you any more money than you were making before. If it’s a HIGHER pay scale, they can offer you as much as they want. But I guess I wasn’t gone long enough, so I was held to the terms of a lateral transfer rather than a new hire, so they couldn’t offer me as much as they wanted to.

So I was well and screwed out of both my accumulated benefits AND a higher starting wage. Of course, I was just tickled pink to be employed. They promised me they’d find a way to raise my salary as soon as they were able (which, granted, they have been trying to do with the process of changing my status) but right now I’m back to just being happy to have a job after next month. *sigh*

Photo of the Week

Okee, today I have two photos... the one I was gonna put up last week before Aussie insisted I post his... and one for this week.

The first is my lone li'l cucumber (I've started callin it the pickle) out back that I described in Scrambled Brains ... I also managed to squeeze my potted tree, Natasha, and the dragonfly chimes into the shot, too. :)

The second is the Spongebob beads Fussbudget sent me, mentioned in Spongebob & Rood Neighbors


And the quote of the week is in keeping with pure Spongebob Spirit:

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort" ~ Herm Albright.

The Wednesday Report

Busy Bee

So I feel like I’ve done a lot today… and very little of it in front of my computer. Goin out to lunch, runnin errands, helpin PM’s with ‘puter stuff… plus I’ll be leavin a li’l early for a hair appointment. Just gettin my quarterly trim. I haven’t chopped off this mane since Boot, and have no intention of doing so again anytime soon. *grin*

Don’t have much planned for tonight. Probly a nice quiet evening… though I still need to ready my contributions for today’s Photo of the Week.

Between a Drum and a Cigarette Butt

So it seems my temporary solution for being able to sleep at night isn’t really a solution at all. Cuz this morning I woke up to the distinct stench of cigarette smoke in my living room. That has happened intermittently ever since the guy upstairs moved in. My neighbor before him smoked, but usually did so outside... so I only had a problem when I wanted to keep my patio door open. This one obviously does so in his living room, and the smoke settles right through the floor (and/or ventilation system) into MY living room. I know I can’t really do anything about it, cuz the dood has a right to smoke in his own home. Unfortunately, I’m allergic to the shit… and it doesn’t take much to give me an instant migraine.

I honestly hate to be a pain in the ass, but I would like to have someplace to sleep comfortably in MY own home. That really shouldn’t be too much to ask. I thought perhaps I’d found a chicken-shit solution by just crashin on the futon, and I wouldn’t have to confront anybody. So much for chicken-shit solutions, eh? lol

Oh well… I’ll see if I can try to talk to him again. A note feels kind of awkward, cuz now it’s more than just one issue to blithely condense into one message. If he still doesn’t wanna answer the door, I guess I’ll have little other options than to talk to the apt. manager. I just REALLY don’t wanna make an enemy out of a neighbor. *sigh* I’ll be sure to update if or when I make any progress.

For Rent

Okay, so I just HAVE to share my daily dose of female chauvinism, before signing off. The Receptionist received this link from a friend, and immediately thought of me. Isn’t that sweet of her? :)

Dream Team

And you can RENT them… imagine that!

New Beginnings and Old Friends

Brand New Bebe

So the department’s Website Guru had a baby last Friday. Well, his wife had the baby, but they brought li’l Grace in to see everybody today. Okay, so Grace wasn’t seeing anybody cuz she was out like a light, but everybody was over there googling over her li’l sleepy self. They were here when I walked in from lunch at Fazolli’s with an old coworker, so of course I was required to check out the li’l bebe. Gotta admit: she was cute. With a li’l white bow in her considerable mass of dark hair. Wasn’t quite sure what to say, though, other than: “Yup, pretty cute.” I don’t googly well.

Lunch with a Friend

But lunch was great. My old coworker, I’ll call her Rockin Grandma cuz she has a teenage grand-daughter, but you’d hardly ever tell from the look of her. I’ve been to a few Happy Hours with her, and she can party hardier than most of the rest of us put together… lol She’s also from Cali, so we talked a lot about my trip over lunch, and her next planned visit to her sister over there.

Past Workplace

R.G. and I worked in the same office during my post in my last department. We got along great… in fact I got along wonderfully with just about everybody in that office. I can’t quite say I worked WITH them, cuz we didn’t belong to the same department, but I considered them my co-workers. I was pretty much the only employee in MY department, so the only person I truly worked WITH was my boss. And we got along like oil and vinegar. She’s the one I’ve previously referenced here as The Battle Ax. That was a biggie. Plus I was simply not a good fit for the department I actually worked for… and consequently, a few of the tasks I was required to fulfill.

Of course, it was my own fault for not really paying attention when I took the job in the first place. I’d been excited about a big step up in both pay and responsibilities, but failed to truly think about what a “Medical Research Center” means. Battle Ax had just secured a grant from NASA to start this new Center, and I was hired to build it up from an organizational standpoint. Unfortunately, the chances of my fitting well were doomed from the start.

Doomed to Fail

First, because I never even met the woman until I was workin there for about a month. She’d been traveling (which she did a LOT) during my interview with the Co-Director of the Center, and the Director of the department that donated office space for my use. And when we DID finally meet, it was Extreme-Discomfort-at-First-Sight, which quickly moved to Hating-Each-Other’s-Guts-at-All-Sightings. The only good thing about our interaction (and probly the only reason I managed to stick it out for a year) was it’s very scarcity. Her office wasn’t even in the same building as mine, plus she was constantly out traveling. The second reason I was doomed to fail was the very nature of the Center. First time I was required to order pigs for experiments, I knew my time there was short.

Good Things out of Bad Situations

However, I filled my purpose well in creating an administrative structure for the Center, garnered a year of invaluable experience wearing every hat in the department, and made some pretty good friends with the peeps in the office. In fact, R.G. invited me to come have dinner with her and her guy sometime, and has promised me for a year I’ll be invited to the next Happy Hour. Lol I’ll grant that she underwent some major surgery just after I left, so I can believe that Happy Hour hasn’t been on the priority list lately.

I’ve also promised to tell her ALLLL about my trip, and I’ll have to get my pics onto my Yahoo Photo Album or something so she can see em. :)

On the Calendar

Anti-Socialicity

So I never really used to spend much time on the phone… well, since high school anyway. I don’t frequently reach out to peeps… preferring my solitude most of the time. I’m happy to talk to friends who reach out to ME… but for a while, there weren’t an awful lotta calls flooding in. Which was perfectly understandable considering I didn’t contact them, either.

Calendar-Worthy

So each time I talked to somebody on the phone was a special enough occasion to mark on the calendar. I still do that, though I now have far more phone conversations in a week than I used to conduct in a month. I have Fussbudget and Bus Snob to thank for that. I think possibly cuz our friendships started long distance in the first place, it’s more natural for it to be conducted over the phone (as well as IM). For the friends I’ve known in real life first, the communication simply isn’t quite the same.

I think I’ve already noted that Fussbudget and I are great ramblers… we can go on for hours about nothing in particular. :) She once told me she called just so she could get on my calendar… lol Now it’s a running joke.

Moving Past Crisis Mode

But last night belonged to Halloween Nut. We had a real good talk… about anything and everything. She’s getting along MUCH better… was just in crisis mode last week. Which happens to us all. I’m comfortable knowing she’ll get along okay… and she always knows I’m just a phone call away if she needs to talk. We covered a lotta different subjects on life and theology that she doesn’t feel she can talk about with anybody else. I know we’re gonna have a lotta long nights talking while I’m in San Diego. :) But amway, I feel more comfortable knowing I can focus any decisions I make about moving purely on my own needs, desires and motivations.

Scheduling Puzzle

I also fit together a few more pieces of my busy trip schedule… contacting Red and Shorty, a friend I’ll call The Witch (cuz she genuinely considers herself a witch, dabbling in magics and witchcrafts and such), my Boot Camp Buddy, the Beavs, and another Synth friend for which I have yet to figure out a blog name. I’m still waiting to hear back for sure on the last three, but it is all comin together.

I checked out the program for the All-Class High School Reunion that Mrs. Beav sent me, and I opted against it. I tend to be the wallflower around folks I don’t know (shocker, right?) and I didn’t know many in school aside from Synth peeps and my close quartet of friends. And $60 is a bit much to pay to be a wallflower. Plus, I know I’ll be pretty exhausted (not to mention sore) by the end of my trip, so I’d much prefer a smaller gathering of friends for a dinner party or some such.

The good thing is that all this scheduling is familiar territory, what with all the meetings I coordinate daily at work. In fact, this is actually a snap compared to some of the stuff I’ve had to organize. *grin*

Getting Excited

So I’m beginning to get a li’l excited about my trip next week. It’s almost exactly one week until departure. Woo-hoo!

Panic

I chatted with Radish this morning, and she reminded me I’ve promised at least 3 or 4 times to send her my itinerary. lol So I got right on top of that… checkin Expedia.com for my most updated itinerary, only to discover that my return flight from San Diego on Nov. 1st has been cancelled. Doh! So I called up the contact number to find out what’s going on… and their computers were down, may I please call back in a couple of hours? Oh fun. 2 more hours of fussing about whether or not I’ll be able to come home in time to vote on the 2nd!

But it was all fussing in vain. Upon my return call, I discovered that they rescheduled me on a different flight leaving San Diego about a half hour later than the original flight, but still getting me to St. Louis in plenty of time to catch my connection. So all is good. :)

The Continuing Days of Our Lives…

Amway, I also caught up with Radish on some other stuff we talked about last night when I called. More drama goin on at the home front… though it’s not quite as intense as the last batch. It seems THAT debacle has been smoothed out for now. The new excitement is just over a guy (ain’t it all?) who’s bein a player. They’re currently plotting to catch him in his own game, but I think some feelings have already been hurt. *sigh*

And just think… I get to join in the fun next week! I kind of feel like old times when we were always keepin each other up on the scoop. :)

Enlightenment… or Not

Oh, and I got to talk to my Aussie again briefly this afternoon. And when I say briefly, I mean briefly… Probly lasted all of 3 minutes… lol Though I gave a valiant effort to extract an explanation for his cryptic comment at the end of our last convo, he really was in a hurry, so there just wasn’t enough time. However, he did offer that he’d had a lot of things on his mind during our last convo, he was over it (whatever the problem was) and all is good. Of course, this explains precisely squat and does nothing to assuage my curiosity, but he has promised further discussion on the matter when he has time. So I suppose I shall HAVE to be satisfied with that. *sigh*

Not so Simple

Though, in the course of my raging curiosity, I’ve been tryin to think of what he could possibly have objected to in my written thoughts. And in revisiting my post about him, I realized that my thoughts at the time that I wrote it were pretty one sided. So I’d like to clarify our relationship a li’l bit. I originally wrote that our communication is mostly about him having dramas and me providing a sounding board, support, advice, etc. But if I take a step back and simply go back a few years, I realize that hasn’t always been the case. It just seems that way cuz, well, he’s been goin through a lot lately.

But in the beginning, our conversations were much more diverse… ranging all manners of topics, from philosophical to political to social to historical to, yes, even personal. He’s actually quite knowledgeable and widely read… rarely did any of our convos NOT hold a new tidbit of knowledge for me about history or the world. He also delights in teaching me a new Aussie-ism just about every time we talk, too. They have GOT to have an endless supply of the suckers… lol

But amway, we still have our deep convos every great once in a while, but I guess I kind of forgot about them. I rather miss them, actually. Of course, just as he’s getting his thoughts in order, I’m fairly sure he’s also a notice away from a military field posting of sorts. Though I wouldn’t be surprised if the two phenomena are related. He’s VERY career military minded, and I think he’s been looking forward to the strictly regimental mentality.

So the gist of that situation, for me, is that I’ll probly not get to chat with him again for a while. Which is perfectly fine. It's not entirely unusual for us to go several months between communication.

Tropical Storm Me

So it seems I am now a Tropical Storm! Yeah, the Atlantic storms worked their way up the alphabet list of names of this year, and they got to me. Hopefully I won’t cause an awful lotta damage. It seems my current projection will bring me to land somewhere in Novia Scotia… but I seem to have degraded to a SubTropical Storm. I mentioned this to the student I share my office with and he offered me his condolences and wished me better luck next time. *snicker* Wise ass.

Forecast for the Night

Welp, that’s about all I can think of for today. It’s raining out… has been for the last few days. Most folks I guess would call it dreary, but I love it. I guess it’s kind of an echo from the droughts I lived through when I was growing up. And thunderstorms are just plain awesome.

I plan to spend another quiet evening tonight… possibly call Halloween Nut, and work some more on the ‘puter. Last night I caught up on a lotta the ‘puter stuff I wanted to get done this weekend, but I still have a li’l more to do. I’ve also started putting together my list of things to pack, and checking supplies, etc. I like to find out I still need to buy, clean or wash something BEFORE the day before I leave. *grin*

So until tomorrow… signing off.

Fuzzy

Long Winded

So I ended up not getting anything done yesterday but bloggin, chores and a shower, before it was time to head to my folks’ place for Family Sunday Dinner. The dream interpretation took a bit longer than I thought… but then that’s not much of a surprise. I write with a writer’s mentality… considering not only content but form, making sure I fully flesh out each thought… editing and re-editing to make sure it comes across smoothly and that it will make sense to anybody not inside my brain.

I have a friend, an English Professor and published writer, who’s mentored me a few times on a few of my writings, and she’s all about simplicity… condensing it all to the to the simplest denominator. I can see the benefits, and am still working on incorporating more of that technique in my writing. Not entirely, of course… my style is still my own, but I respect tips and advice from peeps who know what they’re doing.

I was telling a friend yesterday how my teachers in school used to give minimum page requirements to all the other students when assigning a report… and gave me a maximum page requirement. lol I’ve always been rather long-winded. But, like I said, I’m workin on that. Like paying attention to extraneous words… figuring out how to write a sentence more directly… that sort of thing.

Migraine Alert

Amway, it ended up being a good thing that my friend called yesterday to interrupt my computer activities, because it gave me an opportunity to do my chores while yappin. Plus, I came down with a pretty nasty migraine, and staring at a computer screen for a few hours only makes those things worse. I’ll probly get to my remaining ‘puter tasks during an evening or two this week.

And speaking of the migraine… I actually managed to knock it out with a pretty heavy dose of meds, so I’m feeling fairly decent today… though just a li’l bit on that edge where it could go either way. And with that much drugs still lingering in my system, I’m just a li’l fuzzy today. Not quite loopy, as I am when I’ve just taken them, but simply veeeerrryyy meeellllooooowwwww. :)

Temporary Noise Solution

I ended up sleeping on my futon in the living room last night, where the drums weren’t so loud. When I got home from my folks’ place last night, I could see upstairs from the outer doorway, and I saw a pair of shorts hangin on the dood’s doorknob. That particular sign is universal, so I was hopin it meant I’d get a break from the friggin drums that night. Evidently not. He either kicked the chica out, or decided to practice regardless of her presence, but he was at it again within an hour. I knew my head would NOT handle that well, so I crashed in the living room. Which actually worked out rather nicely.

I surprised myself earlier that day, just before leaving for dinner, by mustering myself to head back upstairs and try to talk to the dood. I knew he was there, cuz I’d heard him walking around, and I also knew he was takin a break cuz it had been quiet. However, though I knocked and waited and knocked again, he never answered the door. So he’s obviously either equally anti-social or not going to be cooperative. My friend suggested leaving a note on his door as last resort before complaining to my landlady. Which I’ll probly give a shot. I mean, I want to be as fair as possible. So we’ll see.

Death

Amway, I woke this morning to the news of peeps kickin the bucket left and right within the last 24 hours. First, news that actor Christopher Reeves died of a heart attack, due to complications of his paralyis, has been all over the radio. Then when I got to work I discovered that one of the PM’s grandfather died this morning. She’s in pretty bad shape… at first I thought she had a cold with all the sniffling, watering eyes and red nose. I guess the memorial will be on Wednesday.

I didn’t press her… I know some folks hate it when peeps pry into their tragedies… but offered my condolences, and she seemed okay with talking a li’l about it. Strangely, one of the first things I noticed was that I’d picked up nothing from her before she told me. I guess that just means I’ve got my shields firmly in order… which is probly a good thing. Especially with all the upheaval lately.

Misc.

Oh, and speaking of which… I never did get around to callin Radish or Halloween Nut this weekend. Perhaps I’ll do that tonight.

Amway, that’s my scoop so far since last I reported in. Nothin much. I’ve stayed pretty busy so far this morning, which has helped me to clear my mind a bit and focus.

I still have more to get back to, but just took a break and figured I’d check in. :)

Dream Analysis, Cont.

Okee, I think this is a great place to split this into two separate posts, cuz it’s gettin a li’l long.

Martyr

Okee, Fourth: In direct connection to the third point, there’s the feeling that no matter what I do, it won’t be the right decision. I feel the pull of needs on both sides… and feel that somehow someone will suffer no matter what I decide. Bus Snob tells me not to take “the weight of the world on my shoulders” or take responsibility for everybody else… that in doing so I’m only being a martyr. I can see her point… and agree to a certain extent. I admit that I can be a martyr at times about some things. Especially when it comes to my feelings. I tend to automatically treat other’s feelings as more valid than mine. I guess this stems from a variety of factors: 1) an unconscious holdover from my depression years, when I had absolutely no self esteem, strength or sense of worth, 2) a very conscious effort to avoid being selfish, and 3) part of the balance I seek in dealing with my empathy. I know this is something in which I still have a lot of room to grow.

However, I do not believe that feeling guilt or acknowledging responsibility for the consequences my actions may cause other people is necessarily being a martyr. If I were to actually sacrifice myself or my life for that guilt, or allow it to ultimately dictate my decisions, then I could see the martyrdom. However, I’m still plenty selfish enough to do precisely as I want most times. This will not stop me from fussing about repercussions, but once my decision is made, then it’s made… I accept the fallout (or try to find alternatives to help solve the problem) and don’t usually dwell on it for long. Life is about moving forward, and I try not to regret anything.

Changing My Mind

Of course, this works best when a change takes place relatively quickly. Joining and discharging from the Navy were both these kinds of decisions. But if I have too long to think about it… well, changing my mind (for whatever reason) seems to be a fact of life. I may talk myself out of it… I may return to my doubts… the idea may simply not sound like a good idea anymore. But I’ll deal with that if or when I come to it.

Who Am I Doing This For?

Fifth: Outside factors influencing my actions and/or mistakes. Another concern my friend brought up is making sure that if I move, it is for the right reasons. To make sure I’m not “glamorizing” my purpose… some altruistic desire to help a friend in need. And believe me… I’ve done plenty of thought about just that. We discussed how I’m partly using the idea as a rationaliztion to finally push me into doing something I’ve wanted to do but have been too afraid. And I realize that I should be able to provide my own push… and shouldn’t rely on an outside influence to do so. But I accept the rationalization, just so long as I recognize it, and will accept a push from wherever it may come.

Glamorizing Motivations

I’ve also considered the potential fallout of this “glamorized” goal of trying to help H.N. She never asked me to move home… I automatically assigned myself the task of helping her. I recognize the possibility that she may not need me at all. I mean, her friends are coming along in understanding her a little more. And when I talked to another individual about the situation, that person asked me if H.N. had considered therapy. It kind of threw me a bit, cuz I never even considered it for her, myself. I tend not to even think of that possibility cuz I somehow muddled through on my own without it. But it’s an option for H.N. without my necessarily needing to be there.

Friendships Change

I’ve also considered the possible negative connotations of moving closer to friends I haven’t been in close contact with regularly. Familiarity breeding contempt and all. We’ve all matured and grown in different directions… and whereas we’ve stayed close and our friendship has evolved to a certain extent, it has still taken place over a distance.

Now, I’m honestly not too worried about us being in each other’s faces all the time… I just don’t operate like that, and I think I’ve explained why. Plus, I tend to adapt myself to different situations with each friend. I think that’s why I get along with such a wide range of personalities. When I talked to Radish the other night, I mentioned I may move back, and she said that they’d be waiting for me… whether it was a move or a visit, but when I was ready. Of all my concerns, I think the one that our friendships could be negatively altered forever is probly the smallest. But I also know it will most assuredly still be changed in some way.

Primary Perspective

So I realize that if I move with only the goal of being there for my friends… and that reason becomes invalid… then it’s just gonna be me being there for me. I need to make sure THAT is my primary goal. That I WILL be happy there, that it WILL be where I belong. Of course much of the reason I consider the place home is because of the people I grew up with and left behind. So perhaps the need to be with my friends is mine and not theirs.

I remember the last few times I visited San Diego, I became a li’l more disenchanted with the place. Noting that I really don’t miss the traffic, or the crime, or the smog, or the horrendous cost of living. Now I don’t know if this was genuine discontent, or rationalization for being too afraid to move back. It’s a lot to consider and carefully weigh before I make my decision.

Happiness

In our conversation, Bus Snob told me I need to do what makes me happy… and proceeded to ask what makes me happy. And I couldn’t really tell her. I mean, I can tell you what makes me UNhappy. Or what activities I enjoy… but what makes me happy in life? I’m not really sure, so I guess I satisfy myself with making OTHER peeps happy. I don’t really have any particular goals or wants… I just go with the flow. I tend to go with what somebody else wants cuz it usually doesn’t necessarily clash with my own inclinations. Though, rest assured, if it DOES clash, I ain’t doin it. I have, at least, managed to develop enough of a sense of self not to sacrifice my own comfort level, unless it’s a truly important situation.

Minor Associations

Sixth: Let’s not forget the Boot connection… I happened to be talking to Bus Snob recently about our respective experiences in Basic Training… especially in respects to the whole mind game issue. And there was the Sydney Opera House connection with regards to my thoughts on my Aussie recently.

So amway, that’s pretty much the extent of my ponderings of late… and it seems to me that my subconsious kind of threw em in a mix and spit em out into that ridiculous dream.

Dream Analysis

Gathering Thoughts

Okee, so first I have to decipher the scribbles I jotted down intermittently all day on the printout I made of yesterday morning’s dream. I actually also talked some about it to Bus Snob yesterday, and I want to share some of her input as well. She’s a good one to consider different angles of a situation. I’d actually already thought of a lot of her points, but it’s still good to hash them out with another person who thinks along the same logical lines.

Alone

First: I immediately notice that during the entire dream I am surrounded by strangers, yet am alone. I hardly interact with anybody unless they confront me first. Now that I think on it, I am alone in a lot of my dreams. However, it is a simple reflection of my life. I mean, I’m not literally completely “alone” in my life… I have my family (which I do see daily) and my friends (which I don’t). But even within those parameters, my life is frequently conducted alone.

Part of this is due to my own choice… it is a boon to have the freedom to do what I please and go where I please… and for much needed solitude. Part of it is due to fear… my social anxiety, of course, but also certain trust issues that I haven’t completely yet resolved. It is certainly not a circumstance I overly bemoan, but it has been something I’ve thought about a lot recently… especially in relation to Halloween Nut’s situation.

Hurtful Words

Second: My concern over my words being negligent or hurtful is typical. I think I really started paying attention to what I say and how I say it when I worked in an attorney’s office several years ago. Of course, that was self-preservation. It was a small office of women, and it was unfortunately an atmosphere of cattiness and back-stabbing. You could pretty much count on your words about any given individual reaching their ears within the day, and who the hell knew what was being said about YOU. So I learned to start looking for the positive and only commenting on that. I think that may have also been when I started playing devil’s advocate… looking for another point of view that could possibly explain a person’s behavior so that they suddenly weren’t the horrible person you thought they were.

Discretion

The practice started to come naturally… and I even noticed that when I inserted it into a catty conversation, the other party would suddenly realize how catty they sounded, and they’d start considering another point of view, themselves. I’ve carried that knack with me ever since. And I’ve done my best to employ it in this blog... in terms of paying attention to what I say. I have no wish to hurt any of my friends… I want them to still trust me, and not feel as if I’m trying to write some steamy tell-all. I try to portray their basic personalities yet still retain their privacy… mentioning problems and situations in vague terms and not going into too many details.

I’ve still fussed though… wondering if I’ve not been discreet enough. I’ve let everybody I’ve talked about in here know that I am doing so (okay, well mebbe not The Boss) and they all have full veto power. So my sense of responsibility is somewhat assuaged on that note. Though, my subconscious is obviously still fussing.

Get Back to Your Section!

Third: The feeling of being required to stay in Misery. I’ve been feeling guilty about considering leaving… because I feel I have a certain obligation to stay here. Or at least near Mom and Pop and Gram. I think I’ve mentioned before I feel a certain responsibility regarding helping out with Gram. I know if I leave, the burden will be laid solely upon my folks… I know they will never feel comfortable taking a vacation, or even a day to St. Louis. The responsibility for caring for her, being available for emergencies, getting her to her doctor’s appointments and hair appointments and basic shopping for necessities will all lie on them. Now, to be honest, I don’t do a WHOLE lot of that now… but between the three of us, we know the tasks can be done if one of us is unable to do them.

When we were making the decision to move her out here from Kansas, I promised I would do my part to help. If I leave, I’ll not only break my promise, but leave them in a situation where they could potentially feel trapped. Not that they’d EVER tell Gram that… she fusses about the burden she puts on us as is. We try to tell her that it is not a burden to help somebody we love, but I know that it could become one. Mom’s already beginning to feel a li’l stretched sometimes.

Always Been Free to Move On

Now, I know for a fact the knowledge has always been in all our minds that I have my own life, and it could take me away from here. Hell, I could make Mom the happiest person in the world by gettin married and makin her a Grandma. I don’t think they EXPECT me to stay… and they would never try to lay the guilt on me. I’m providing plenty of my own. I know they’d support my decision, though I think they’d be concerned for my choice of locations, knowing how apprehensive I’ve been about being able to support myself there.

*break for another phone call with Bus Snob, and to get some chores done*

Pleasant Morning... Bad Night

Fall Fare

So I just cooked up some Cream of Wheat, smothered in butter in sugar. :) There’s just something about a crisp fall morning, with a cool breeze rustling through the trees out my open window, wrapping up in a cozy robe, and leisurely eating some hot cereal in front of the ‘puter.

The Drum Report

Of course, I slept in a bit late this morning, considering my neighbor upstairs (yeah, I’m pretty sure our resident drummer lives in the apartment above me… and practices in the room directly over my bedroom) was at it from about midnight to at least 1:00 am. I wasn’t happy. I even managed to scrounge the courage to head my li’l ass upstairs to ask him if he’d mind waiting until daylight hours for his practice. But when I got up there, his door was open by about 45 degrees, nobody was in the living room, and he had the tv blaring… on top of the drumming. I’m not sure why he had the friggin door open… either to invite neighbors in or to be sure he spread the joy, I dunno. Needless to say, he didn’t answer my knock… I’m not sure he’d have heard anything. And I wasn’t ABOUT to go walkin into his apartment.

So I just came back downstairs and tried to sleep. At least Ms. Pukesalot wasn’t goin batty over it. I even distinctly recognized the li’l chimes AOL messenger makes when you give and receive an IM… he obviously had that turned way up, too, presumably to be heard over the drums. Right. But every once in a while, the drumming would stop, I’d hear the floorboards creaking, and then another chime like he was keeping up a convo across the room intermittently between the friggin drumming. *sigh*

I’m not sure if I’ll have the gumption to try again to talk to him about it sometime today. I know I should… but with the urgency of trying to sleep gone, my social anxiety is snapped firmly back in place. I can hear him practicing again right now… though it’s not half as loud as during the night when there’s absolutely no other sound to be heard. I’ll just have to see how I fare. I might try it a li’l later. Otherwise, I’m simply calling the apartment manager tomorrow.

Lots to Do

I have quite a bit on my agenda for today… who knows if it’ll get done. Half the time it doesn’t, and then I’m late to dinner. I never can gauge time correctly, I’m afraid… I think that’s the crux behind my habitual tardiness. But I’d like to get as much done as I can. I have a few bills to pay, at least a couple weeks worth of receipts to record in my bank registers, new books to input into my books database (yeah, kinda dorky, but I’m serious about my library… lol), a few purchases I want to find online, my weekend chores, plus I’d wanted to kind of throw together a basic fiscal gameplan for a possible move. On top of blogging. *grin*

We’ll see what actually gets accomplished.

The Dream Chronicles

So this is the dream I woke from this morning:

Painful Voice

I’m in a large hall… the feel at this point is a field trip type of situation, though we’re all adults, and we’re not students. I don’t remember what the event is supposed to be, but the “headliner”, as it were, is a trio of two men and a woman singing an operatic-type song. As they’re all singing together, I can already tell the woman’s voice is extremely shrill, and I wince. Doubly, since I can’t stand opera, anyway.

As they come to a part of the song where she’s going to be singing solo, I turn to the person next to me and say “I knew there was a reason I was going to..” and suddenly the pause in the song arrives and, as I’ve been yelling to be heard over the noise, I drop my voice to finish “hate this.” But I’m suddenly self conscious that everybody just heard me, including her. She starts singing solo, and her voice gets stronger and even more shrill… painfully so. I kind of try to find a small place in the crowd to hide… where I slide down the wall to sit on the floor and shove my hands against my ears to keep the shrill out.

On to the Next Room

As soon as the song is over, peeps start to file out of the room, and I sneak out quickly before anybody can find and confront me about my loud comment. I follow the crowd, weaving in and out, until we get to another room in which half is lined out in rows of benches in tiers, like a college classroom. So I set myself down in the back row.

However, as soon as everybody’s settled, a guy comes in to face the rows as if he’s the instructor, and immediately singles me out. Evidently the woman I commented to ratted on me, cuz he actually mentions her name (I don’t remember it) and repeats her ear-witness account of my comment, word for word. Though, he’d obviously heard the loud part, himself, cuz he’d evidently thought the last part of my sentence was going to be “copy this” rather than “hate this”. I have no idea why he would think that. Perhaps the place is like the Sydney Opera House, where nobody is allowed to take pictures inside the venues or record the proceedings in any way.

Busted

He accuses me of disrupting the song by being so loud. I defend myself saying that it had already been loud in there, and I indicate the room we’re in at the moment where everybody is kinda talking to each other and the whole room is echoing with noise, as if these were the conditions in the other room as well. Though that fact only just then registers with me. (Never mind, of course, that this logically shouldn’t have been the case during a performance, but there it was.)

I also explain that I had not realized I was making the comment so loudly as to be heard by the whole room, and definitely not the singer. I apologize that she had to hear me and that I hurt her feelings. I do not apologize, however, for being loud. I stop short of explaining the reason behind my rude comment, ie: her singing was killing my ears, cuz somehow I feel that will be even more hurtful, adding insult to insult.

Test #1

So I’m already singled out, and the feel turns to a Boot Camp situation where he’s the Company Commander. As he proceeds along with whatever business he’s conducting (I don’t remember what… I’m busy mulling over the other situation) I suddenly realize that the benches are swaying like teeter totters, or a boat in a storm. At first, only just barely… almost imperceptibly. But then the swaying gets more pronounced, and folks have to either hold on or get off the benches. I realize this is a test, so I dig in, get a solid grip on my bench, and bend my arms to balance as the benches start tipping to 45 degree angles. I remember seeing some other authority figure, female, observe my tactics and approve, so I know I’m doing good.

Still Can’t Do Anything Right

Then the benches stop, and about 1/3 of the peeps that started still remain. Like this is a game show and they were eliminated. I suddenly find that everybody that had been to one side of me when it started were gone, and I’d slid down the benches to the end of the row… where, consequently, I’d had a side edge to hold on to which helped give me a more solid grip during the tipping.

My rejoicing in this fact is cut short by some dood that is sitting in one of the benches a few rows before me. He seems to be a lackey of some sort for the C.C. jerk, cuz he starts getting on my case for being out of my “state”… I should be in the Missouri section. I had not realized that the benches had been divided by state, but then looked up on the wall behind us, and saw a diagram clearly labeling the sections. I argue with this dood, as well, sayin I hadn’t realized there were certain sections, and one can’t really help sliding down tilting benches. Especially when one’s hands are sweating and tend to slip.

The Mind Game

So far, I’m naturally feeling defensive over being singled out, though not overly flustered cuz the arguments are over stupid shit and I know they’re not important. (Well, except for hurting the singer’s feelings, for which I felt bad and accepted responsibility, though I felt equally bad for my poor ears.) Again, a Boot Camp type feel, cuz the first 5 weeks of Boot is one big mind game… until the recruits figure that out, and then there’s no point in keeping it up. I even remember thinking sometime during this segment of the dream that what they don’t know is that I can handle them just fine cuz I’ve already been through this crap before.

Test #2

Nonetheless, ever the one to follow rules, I get up and move back to the Misery section, finding an open place amidst a group of women I don’t recall seeing there before. Unfortunately, during that last particular chew-out, I missed what the guy up front had been saying… which was evidently instructions for the next activity. So I just start trying to figure it out from what’s going on around me. A few assistant-types are passing out egg cartons filled with brightly colored eggs, like they were painted or dyed for Easter. Everybody seems to be taking one, so I do so as well when the carton gets to me.

Lost Cause

Almost as soon as I grab one, the C.C. is right there on my case again, pointing to my hands with a look of disgust that implies that I can’t even follow simple directions. I simply glare at him, beginning to think this is a conspiracy since most of my “offenses” have been honest mistakes related to outside influences. Then I look to the hands of everyone else around me to see how theirs differ from mine. At first I think the problem is that everybody has picked up TWO eggs rather than one, but when I look back at my hands I realize there’s also a smaller egg tucked into a crease in my hand, that I hadn’t realized I’d grabbed. So I know I squeaked by on that detail purely by accident.

I then notice that everybody has already smeared dye all over their hands before picking up their eggs. I can’t see where everybody else has gotten their dye, so I rub some off of the big egg I’m holding, which is still wet, and spread it on my hands… having absolutely no clue why this needs to be done, but not questioning simple instructions cuz one simply does not do that in Boot.

Huh?

The last thing I remember is more closely inspecting the smaller “egg” in my hand, and realizing it’s not really an egg, but a strange sort of tooth with the base colored up like an egg, and four large distinct “prongs” protruding from it. I’m still trying to figure out what THAT’s all about when the dream ends.


Interpretation tomorrow! G'night!

Keepin Busy

So I got a lot done today.

Donation Debacle

I was supposed to donate platelets for my first time ever, at 1:00... a very persuasive Red Cross recruiter convinced me a few weeks ago to just give it a shot, even though I haven't been able to give blood the last few times I've gone in cuz my iron was too low. But then when I got there today and was asked if I'd taken any aspirin within the last 48 hours, I had to plead guilty. I suppose I should have remembered that aspirin thins the blood, but it had never even been an issue when giving whole blood before. Oh well. Unfortunately, I won't be able to give anything for about another year, cuz I'll be having more tat work done in a few weeks. But mebbe they'll accept that as a better reason to stop trying to convince me to come in when they won't take my blood anyway. *shrugging*

New Toy

I got a lotta errands run... including purchasing yet another new toy. I've been meaning to upgrade my cell phone... especially considering the old one's battery pack kept fallin off and I'd have to reset everything. It's been wearin a big fat rubber band around it for several months now, just to keep the pack in. It just wasn't workin out very well.

Then my cell company sent me this "come renew with us and get a buncha great stuff" special offer, so I went in to see what I could get. As it turns out, I can keep my same plan (SpanAmerica, with full coverage anywhere in the country... which suits me well since I visit so many friends from all four corners), I got 200 extra free minutes a month (which again works just fine, since I don't use very much except on vacation) and a schnazzy new $250 phone for $20... all for $5 more a month and a 2-year contract. I figured it was a pretty decent deal.

I specifically inquired after any potential penalties for quitting the contract in case I moved out of town within the next two years. I was assured that all I'd have to do is bring some sort of lease agreement or house bill of sale to prove I was actually moving, return my phone, and there'd be no penalties. So it's all good.

I brought my new toy home and have been playin with it ever since, checkin out all the neat new stuff it can do, and programming the address book. All in all, a very satisfying day.

Messages from the Subconcious Peanut Gallery

I also want to share a dream I woke from this mornin that seems to be an obvious reflection of my train of thought lately. I have plenty to comment about it, but I think I'll post the dream tonight and save my interpretation of it for tomorrow. I'll be home most of the day until dinner, putzin on the 'puter doin miscellaneous stuff, so I figure that'll be a good time for that anyway. I actually have a LOT of stuff I've been wantin to write in here, but my brain's kind of in hibernation mode at the moment. I'm glad I got straight onto the 'puter this mornin as soon as I woke up, to get the whole thing down before it fuzzed away into the oblivion of most dreams.

I Finally Caught One!

Oh, and I finally got to watch one of the presidential debates last night. Again, not much new was said, but it was interesting to watch them interact. Of course, both political parties were confident their candidate blew the other away, but I'm thinkin that assessment would probly be best left to the Undecideds.

I will say that I DO respect the President in-as-much as I believe the man is genuinely concerned about doing what is absolutely best for the country. I think both candidates are... I just happen to agree with Kerry's way of thinkin on how to go about accomplish it.

Okee, that's enough for today. I'll post the dream, then report back in tomorrow.

Signing off...

Absolutely Nothing

So last night I did absolutely nothing.

Cravings

I splurged on a huge baked potato smothered in the works... for the third time this week. And my face (and middle) are beginnin to show all that butter, salt and sour cream. *sigh* I've just had this really strong craving for baked potatoes, though. Aren't hormones lovely? Oh, but they were SOOOOO good. Fortunately for my system, though, I'm out of potatoes, butter AND sour cream... til I go grocery shopping again this weekend, anyway. *grin*

I’ll be happy when this PMS is done and over with. Unfortunately, the wonderful thing about my cycle is that it is never consistent (surprise, right?). It can go anywhere from 4-6 weeks, so who the hell knows when I’ll stop cravin fat-packed baked potatoes. lol You'd think that PMS would at least remain within a consistent timeframe in proportion to whatever cycle my body happens to choose on any given month, but evidently not. Or mebbe it's all in my head. lol The good thing is that I know for a FACT I shouldn’t have to deal with any of this during my trip at the end of the month. :) Yay!

Blissful Thoughtlessness

Amway, after indulging in a potato (plus a bowl of cereal and a bagel cuz, you know, a potato takes a friggin HOUR to bake in the oven) I kicked back watching Must-See-TV (minus The Apprentice, of course) and listening to the rain through my open patio door, snuggled up in a blanket with a warm cat curled up in my lap. And I didn’t think about much of anything but Joey and his nephew tryin to keep his sister from finding about the vacant apartment next door, Will and Grace being rood to their new neighbor, and Luca and Sam getting all googly eyed and declaring their love for each other.

Of course, hormones aren’t just a pain in the ass with regards to cravings… they also had me getting all teary eyed over the googly eyes… and Joey’s sister getting over empty nest syndrome… and even the sappy friggin commercials. *sigh*

Normal Morning Routine

Amway, so then I woke up late this morning, took five years in the shower (I always seem to “lose time” in there… kinda like at Barnes and Nobles) and ran around like a chicken with my head cut off to get out the door and to work… late. Right back to normal! Yapped a bit with the Receptionist about life in general, and got online to chat with a friend about her exciting new relationship.

Oh, well, and I’ve got some work stuff, too… but Fridays tend to be really laid back. :)

So it’s a good day. No dramas or traumas… at least at the moment. I intend to give Radish and Halloween Nut calls this weekend to see how they’re doin, but I think I’ll enjoy my peace and quiet in the meantime.

Long Night - Long Post

Before I Even Got Home...

So I spent just about my entire night on the phone last night. I think it’s safe to say my spate of anti-socialicity is officially over. lol I was late getting outta the office, cuz my Aussie caught up to me online, and I almost always end up stayin a li’l late chattin with him. Plus, I was tryin to resize the pic he wanted me to post, and finally just determined I needed to finish it up at home.

Sometime during that conversation, IHOP Buddy popped in and reminded me I’d promised to send her the links to download some good anti-virus and adware protection software. So I was tryin to look those up, too.

And then Halloween Nut (I’ll shorten it to H.N. for now) IM’d me with a frantic message that she REALLY needed to talk. Her internet connection isn’t the most reliable, and we have the worst time tryin to chat on Yahoo sometimes, so we figured a phone call would best be in order. But I wasn’t even home yet!

So I pretty much cut everything short, promising Aussie and IHOP Buddy that I’d finish up with them later, and H.N. that I’d call her as soon as I got home… packed up shop and headed home.

No Time to Stop and Smell Dinner

Almost as soon as I walked in the door, my phone rang, and it was Radish… who is embroiled in the same problem as H.N., and needed to talk, herself. She seemed to be relatively calm on the matter… she was more kind of caught in the middle of a situation, though she still played a small role in it. So I told her I needed to call H.N. first, cuz she seemed to be really upset, and I’d get back to Radish just as soon as I could.

So my brain’s kinda reelin by that point, and I hadn’t eaten yet, but couldn’t figure out what to make, and didn’t really have the time or attention to put towards the decision. So I just took the time to change out of my work clothes and wash my face before callin H.N.

The Blow Up

The situation is evidently the “minor blow-up” that I mentioned a few days ago after talking to Radish. Though, it has obviously now elevated from minor to major. One other individual is involved, and she and H.N. are on opposing sides of the problem, with Radish stuck in the middle cuz she was there when the blow-up happened.

In all, I think the crux of the issue is that H.N. very much needs to be mistress of her own life. Her parents ran her life, and then the boyfriend she was with when she and I shared an apartment, then her husband. And then her parents again when she moved back in with them after her husband left. Her father is a very hard individual, and H.N. has been inundated with criticism about her life and her choices, for the past four years. Expecting judgment and criticism has now become second nature to her. And she was raised not to talk back or stand up. She can’t stand confrontation, and does not know how to tell somebody that their words or actions hurt her. All she knows is hurting and getting angry. And then all kinds of stupid things are said and done when one is angry.

The Beginning of the Journey

She’s finally on her own now… she has her own life… she needs to be able to make her own decisions, and she needs the support of her friends. She also has a long way to go towards emotional strength and maturity. And she HAS started that journey. But all that her friends see are what they perceive as mistakes… and how they think she should handle them. They want to help her and offer advice… but one can take only so much unsolicited advice before it starts coming across as criticism.

Hasty Bonds

The situation was compounded by the fact that the person on the other end of the conflict is a very close friend to H.N… and Radish, too, though this is mostly about the other two. They consider themselves “sisters” and forged a very strong bond very quickly. They were both going through the same drama of separation and/or divorce from their husbands, so there was a kinship of understanding. This friend filled a role H.N. very desperately needed.

However, I honestly think that may have been part of the problem. She DOES feel like she needs to throw herself into her friendships, like she needs that close, strong bond… and she does it so quickly that they don’t have a chance to learn the not-so-positive things about each other. And the relationship is already highly strung with emotion by it’s very nature, so when an insecurity raises it’s ugly head, the “honeymoon” is shattered.

At least that’s how I saw it from an outside perspective. I think it made sense to her, too, though. She’s already settled down from her anger, and is very concerned about salvaging her friendship. However, according to Radish (who has also been trying to smooth feathers) the other friend is very hurt, though not so angry anymore. The general consensus is that she just needs some time to cool. I think if their bond is as close as they thought it was, the friendship will survive. They will just know more about each other… and how to communicate with each other. To know how the other party will be receptive to what they have to say. One can be all kinds of proud of being straightforward and blunt, but if the person you’re tryin to get your point across to won’t be receptive to the way you’re saying it, it accomplishes absolutely nothing but leaving you feeling self-righteous.

Radish's Way

But wait… that wasn’t the end of it. Also involved was an undercurrent between Radish and H.N. that’s been going on for a long time. Radish is self-admittedly quite opinionated. She has a strong sense of right and wrong, and how things should be done, and won’t hesitate to share her thoughts on the matter. She also does not seem to able to help herself sometimes, dropping li’l comments here and there about how something could be done better, according to her way of thinking.

I honestly don’t remember her doing that very much when we were in school… at least towards me. So when I noticed her doing it a li’l bit during her family’s visit to Misery a few years ago, I attributed it to her becoming a mother. I jokingly informed her that she was gonna have to stop that. I don’t think she really consciously realized she was doing it, and she kinda took a step back, payed attention to what she was sayin, and respected my wishes to do things my way in my home.

Halloween Nut's Way

However, H.N. was always the silly one of the group. She frequently acted like a silly li’l kid, the clown… partly, I think, because folks expected her to be that way. There always was much darker issues goin on in the inside, but on the outside was the carefree silliness. So that’s how folks tended to treat her. Including, I think, Radish to some extent. So Radish’s tendency to “correct” became her natural interaction with H.N…. even after adulthood.

Add in H.N.’s predeliction to perceive criticism from everybody, and inability to express her dislike of the treatment, it grew into enough of a problem that she began to withdraw from Radish as a friend, and hesitate to share with her about some things.

Communication, Communication, Communication

So, with the help of 3-way calling (my inaugural use of my service, btw, though I’ve had it for at least a year) and my mediation, I think a lotta of things got out in the open. I told H.N. that I thought she might better be able to approach her friends about how she feels if she took the matter to them BEFORE she is hurt. Because after the damage has just been done, there’s no way she’ll be able to accomplish anything but be hurt and angry and silent, and the cycle will perpetuate.

Radish came to a few realizations, herself, and pledged to start consciously viewing their relationship as it has evolved into adulthood, and treating her accordingly. And H.N., I think, is going to try to work on trusting her friends not to judge… and to learn to accept their advice as it is intended and not as criticism. It will, of course, be a process, and all will not immediately be hunky dory… but hopefully the ball has been sent into motion.

Plus, it is my understanding that Radish will in turn assume my role to mediate between H.N. and the other friend, when the time is right for the both of them to communicate.

Accomplishment

Though the whole thing was quite draining, I DO feel a certain sense of accomplishment. My friends have always felt they can come to me with their problems… and I guess I have a knack for seein a different perspective and being able to suggest a new possibility where all that could be seen before was a dead end. I know with a few of my group friendships, including this one, I tend to be the glue of sorts. My bond to each is strong individually, but their connections to each other can be tenuous… until I’m there to bring em together again, and then we’re a cohesive group again.

Suspicions Confirmed

And if I had any doubts before, I have none now in my being needed back home. It’s almost scary how much I recognize what H.N. is feeling and experiencing. She is me 13 years ago. In fact, Radish humorously reminded me of the drama queen temper tantrums THEY used to weather from ME back in high school. So I think I may have a somewhat better perspective about the reasons behind her actions than the others around her. And I believe I understand the kind of support she needs. I feel like she’s flailing in the dark… she’s terrified of destroying her friendships, and is in danger of withdrawing from them completely. But we have 15 years of history… I know her dark side, and she knows mine. She needs something to hold onto in making steps towards not being afraid of herself or her friendships. I think her friends are beginning to understand, for which I am thankful, and I hope they can work this through with her. I just know I want to be there, too. And I sincerely hope that I can.

Post-Trauma

Amway, after I finished my li’l journey through that particular wringer, I then got back to sending IHOP Buddy her links, and getting Aussie’s pic resized to post here. He was still online, so I popped in to say hi, and sorry for takin so long. He was cool with that, but then tells me he’s not sure if he’s happy with me or not, after reading some of my blog. Then proceeded to say brb and disappeared! Doh! I know my post about him had already received the a-okay, so I honestly have no idea what he could have found objectionable. I’m not horribly worried about it… he didn’t really seem upset. And he frequently disappears at the drop of a hat for one reason or another, and who knows when he'll get back. So it's not that big of a deal. But it was just a perfect cap to the night… lol And my curiosity is still raging, dammit.

Focker’d best get back online and ‘splain himself. ;)