Dream Analysis, Cont.

Okee, I think this is a great place to split this into two separate posts, cuz it’s gettin a li’l long.

Martyr

Okee, Fourth: In direct connection to the third point, there’s the feeling that no matter what I do, it won’t be the right decision. I feel the pull of needs on both sides… and feel that somehow someone will suffer no matter what I decide. Bus Snob tells me not to take “the weight of the world on my shoulders” or take responsibility for everybody else… that in doing so I’m only being a martyr. I can see her point… and agree to a certain extent. I admit that I can be a martyr at times about some things. Especially when it comes to my feelings. I tend to automatically treat other’s feelings as more valid than mine. I guess this stems from a variety of factors: 1) an unconscious holdover from my depression years, when I had absolutely no self esteem, strength or sense of worth, 2) a very conscious effort to avoid being selfish, and 3) part of the balance I seek in dealing with my empathy. I know this is something in which I still have a lot of room to grow.

However, I do not believe that feeling guilt or acknowledging responsibility for the consequences my actions may cause other people is necessarily being a martyr. If I were to actually sacrifice myself or my life for that guilt, or allow it to ultimately dictate my decisions, then I could see the martyrdom. However, I’m still plenty selfish enough to do precisely as I want most times. This will not stop me from fussing about repercussions, but once my decision is made, then it’s made… I accept the fallout (or try to find alternatives to help solve the problem) and don’t usually dwell on it for long. Life is about moving forward, and I try not to regret anything.

Changing My Mind

Of course, this works best when a change takes place relatively quickly. Joining and discharging from the Navy were both these kinds of decisions. But if I have too long to think about it… well, changing my mind (for whatever reason) seems to be a fact of life. I may talk myself out of it… I may return to my doubts… the idea may simply not sound like a good idea anymore. But I’ll deal with that if or when I come to it.

Who Am I Doing This For?

Fifth: Outside factors influencing my actions and/or mistakes. Another concern my friend brought up is making sure that if I move, it is for the right reasons. To make sure I’m not “glamorizing” my purpose… some altruistic desire to help a friend in need. And believe me… I’ve done plenty of thought about just that. We discussed how I’m partly using the idea as a rationaliztion to finally push me into doing something I’ve wanted to do but have been too afraid. And I realize that I should be able to provide my own push… and shouldn’t rely on an outside influence to do so. But I accept the rationalization, just so long as I recognize it, and will accept a push from wherever it may come.

Glamorizing Motivations

I’ve also considered the potential fallout of this “glamorized” goal of trying to help H.N. She never asked me to move home… I automatically assigned myself the task of helping her. I recognize the possibility that she may not need me at all. I mean, her friends are coming along in understanding her a little more. And when I talked to another individual about the situation, that person asked me if H.N. had considered therapy. It kind of threw me a bit, cuz I never even considered it for her, myself. I tend not to even think of that possibility cuz I somehow muddled through on my own without it. But it’s an option for H.N. without my necessarily needing to be there.

Friendships Change

I’ve also considered the possible negative connotations of moving closer to friends I haven’t been in close contact with regularly. Familiarity breeding contempt and all. We’ve all matured and grown in different directions… and whereas we’ve stayed close and our friendship has evolved to a certain extent, it has still taken place over a distance.

Now, I’m honestly not too worried about us being in each other’s faces all the time… I just don’t operate like that, and I think I’ve explained why. Plus, I tend to adapt myself to different situations with each friend. I think that’s why I get along with such a wide range of personalities. When I talked to Radish the other night, I mentioned I may move back, and she said that they’d be waiting for me… whether it was a move or a visit, but when I was ready. Of all my concerns, I think the one that our friendships could be negatively altered forever is probly the smallest. But I also know it will most assuredly still be changed in some way.

Primary Perspective

So I realize that if I move with only the goal of being there for my friends… and that reason becomes invalid… then it’s just gonna be me being there for me. I need to make sure THAT is my primary goal. That I WILL be happy there, that it WILL be where I belong. Of course much of the reason I consider the place home is because of the people I grew up with and left behind. So perhaps the need to be with my friends is mine and not theirs.

I remember the last few times I visited San Diego, I became a li’l more disenchanted with the place. Noting that I really don’t miss the traffic, or the crime, or the smog, or the horrendous cost of living. Now I don’t know if this was genuine discontent, or rationalization for being too afraid to move back. It’s a lot to consider and carefully weigh before I make my decision.

Happiness

In our conversation, Bus Snob told me I need to do what makes me happy… and proceeded to ask what makes me happy. And I couldn’t really tell her. I mean, I can tell you what makes me UNhappy. Or what activities I enjoy… but what makes me happy in life? I’m not really sure, so I guess I satisfy myself with making OTHER peeps happy. I don’t really have any particular goals or wants… I just go with the flow. I tend to go with what somebody else wants cuz it usually doesn’t necessarily clash with my own inclinations. Though, rest assured, if it DOES clash, I ain’t doin it. I have, at least, managed to develop enough of a sense of self not to sacrifice my own comfort level, unless it’s a truly important situation.

Minor Associations

Sixth: Let’s not forget the Boot connection… I happened to be talking to Bus Snob recently about our respective experiences in Basic Training… especially in respects to the whole mind game issue. And there was the Sydney Opera House connection with regards to my thoughts on my Aussie recently.

So amway, that’s pretty much the extent of my ponderings of late… and it seems to me that my subconsious kind of threw em in a mix and spit em out into that ridiculous dream.