Dream Analysis

Gathering Thoughts

Okee, so first I have to decipher the scribbles I jotted down intermittently all day on the printout I made of yesterday morning’s dream. I actually also talked some about it to Bus Snob yesterday, and I want to share some of her input as well. She’s a good one to consider different angles of a situation. I’d actually already thought of a lot of her points, but it’s still good to hash them out with another person who thinks along the same logical lines.

Alone

First: I immediately notice that during the entire dream I am surrounded by strangers, yet am alone. I hardly interact with anybody unless they confront me first. Now that I think on it, I am alone in a lot of my dreams. However, it is a simple reflection of my life. I mean, I’m not literally completely “alone” in my life… I have my family (which I do see daily) and my friends (which I don’t). But even within those parameters, my life is frequently conducted alone.

Part of this is due to my own choice… it is a boon to have the freedom to do what I please and go where I please… and for much needed solitude. Part of it is due to fear… my social anxiety, of course, but also certain trust issues that I haven’t completely yet resolved. It is certainly not a circumstance I overly bemoan, but it has been something I’ve thought about a lot recently… especially in relation to Halloween Nut’s situation.

Hurtful Words

Second: My concern over my words being negligent or hurtful is typical. I think I really started paying attention to what I say and how I say it when I worked in an attorney’s office several years ago. Of course, that was self-preservation. It was a small office of women, and it was unfortunately an atmosphere of cattiness and back-stabbing. You could pretty much count on your words about any given individual reaching their ears within the day, and who the hell knew what was being said about YOU. So I learned to start looking for the positive and only commenting on that. I think that may have also been when I started playing devil’s advocate… looking for another point of view that could possibly explain a person’s behavior so that they suddenly weren’t the horrible person you thought they were.

Discretion

The practice started to come naturally… and I even noticed that when I inserted it into a catty conversation, the other party would suddenly realize how catty they sounded, and they’d start considering another point of view, themselves. I’ve carried that knack with me ever since. And I’ve done my best to employ it in this blog... in terms of paying attention to what I say. I have no wish to hurt any of my friends… I want them to still trust me, and not feel as if I’m trying to write some steamy tell-all. I try to portray their basic personalities yet still retain their privacy… mentioning problems and situations in vague terms and not going into too many details.

I’ve still fussed though… wondering if I’ve not been discreet enough. I’ve let everybody I’ve talked about in here know that I am doing so (okay, well mebbe not The Boss) and they all have full veto power. So my sense of responsibility is somewhat assuaged on that note. Though, my subconscious is obviously still fussing.

Get Back to Your Section!

Third: The feeling of being required to stay in Misery. I’ve been feeling guilty about considering leaving… because I feel I have a certain obligation to stay here. Or at least near Mom and Pop and Gram. I think I’ve mentioned before I feel a certain responsibility regarding helping out with Gram. I know if I leave, the burden will be laid solely upon my folks… I know they will never feel comfortable taking a vacation, or even a day to St. Louis. The responsibility for caring for her, being available for emergencies, getting her to her doctor’s appointments and hair appointments and basic shopping for necessities will all lie on them. Now, to be honest, I don’t do a WHOLE lot of that now… but between the three of us, we know the tasks can be done if one of us is unable to do them.

When we were making the decision to move her out here from Kansas, I promised I would do my part to help. If I leave, I’ll not only break my promise, but leave them in a situation where they could potentially feel trapped. Not that they’d EVER tell Gram that… she fusses about the burden she puts on us as is. We try to tell her that it is not a burden to help somebody we love, but I know that it could become one. Mom’s already beginning to feel a li’l stretched sometimes.

Always Been Free to Move On

Now, I know for a fact the knowledge has always been in all our minds that I have my own life, and it could take me away from here. Hell, I could make Mom the happiest person in the world by gettin married and makin her a Grandma. I don’t think they EXPECT me to stay… and they would never try to lay the guilt on me. I’m providing plenty of my own. I know they’d support my decision, though I think they’d be concerned for my choice of locations, knowing how apprehensive I’ve been about being able to support myself there.

*break for another phone call with Bus Snob, and to get some chores done*