Empathy

Empathy

So sometimes I forget about the empathy. I believe everybody experiences it to some degree or another… the human psyche is capable of so many things we haven’t even begun to understand. My empathy, I think, may be a little stronger than most. In fact, it has become an entrenched entity in my life… supplying subconscious reactions to people and situations, both in and of itself and in how I’ve learned to counter-act its effects. I know it’s part of the reason I tend to prefer solitude… keeping most peeps at arm’s length until my interaction with them warrants letting down my shields and welcoming their emotional input into my life. I can really take only so much input at any given time.

Overwhelming Input

Which is why I had to learn to build the walls. General populace input is a major overload… usually in the form of some hellacious depressions. Before I really started to understand what was going on… oh, around the age of 22 or 23… I honestly thought I was goin coo-coo. I mean, imagine being a wide-open receiver (keep your mind clean) to 1000 hormonal teenagers in high school. It wasn’t the only contributor to my state-of-mind (didn’t we all have enough pubescent problems?) but I think it was a biggie. There was more than one suicide attempt… though I obviously never had the courage to see any of them through. Even after graduation, when my general surroundings were a bit more stable, I could still be swept up in the storm of somebody else’s emotions, and be left shaking and wondering why the hell I felt something I had no reason to feel.

Identifying the Problem

Ironically, the strength of such foreign impacts was what ultimately helped me to recognize them. I had the joy of working in a Domestic Attorney’s office when I first started trying to sort through the phenomenon and learn how to control it (rather than let it control me). The office was regularly trafficked by clients that were wading through divorces, custody cases, and various other legal battles in which they were experiencing anything from anger, sadness, self-righteousness, fear and a whole bunch of other fun emotions. I had the damnedest time figuring out what input came from those around me and what feelings were genuinely my own.

I guess that’s when I became rather adept at analyzing emotions, picking them apart to determine their validity and how best to deal with them. It was really strange at first, but I got the hang of it. And I discovered that foreign input is somehow magnified… as if the empathy serves as one big amplifier into my psyche. Which made the sensation more overwhelming, but also easier to identify. I eventually got pretty good at pinpointing the alien emotions, and consciously pushing them out.

Shields

Now the shields are automatic. Of course, the flip side of building them is that I frequently experience long periods of time in which I don’t really feel much of anything at all… as if all that subconscious safe-guarding also dispatches some of my own emotions in the process. I think I’ve mentioned this before. I’m still growing and learning, however… as I am with many other aspects of my life. I’m sure to find an equilibrium. In the meantime, if I have to choose between occasionally feeling nothing and regularly feeling everything… I’ll take a li’l peace and quiet. :)

Empathy and Social Anxiety

I don’t quite count my empathy as the quintessential reason behind my social anxiety, though I think it was a contributing factor. By all accounts, I was an extremely outgoing child. Then I hit puberty, and we all know how THAT screws up the works. I dunno if my empathy just wasn’t in force until I reached my teen years (I have heard several theories that such sensitivities frequently manifest at puberty) or if the influx of hormones simply intensified its strength. I think the anxiety was my reaction to something I didn’t understand. I mean, consciously preferring my own company to give my protections a rest is one thing… developing an irrational fear of interacting with people is a completely different matter. Of course, I know better now, but I guess these kinds of things aren’t so easy to purge once they’ve taken up residence.

But like I said before, it’s not currently a problem that’s overly counterproductive to my goals. It may work itself out… it may never. I may eventually decide to take a pro-active approach to fixing it. But for now, it’s not yet worth the effort.

In the “Where the Hell did THAT come from?” Category

So this is all more of my “contemplation” of late. I don’t always have complete control of my empathy… which is usually when it reminds me of its presence. All it takes is an imbalance (physical, emotional, hormonal, or any combination thereof) and my automatic defenses can loosen up. The empathy seizes that opportunity to break through and romp merrily about, until my conscious defenses realize what’s going on and rein it in.

I really think there’s something to the idea that these sensitivities are affected and/or triggered by hormones. I mean, let’s start with the NORMAL emotional fluctuations widely associated with PMS. Now let’s introduce somebody ELSE’s mood to handily swing to. I’ve had plenty of cycles where I can keep a decent equilibrium… but if there’s a friend, family member or coworker in a mood, there I go.

Sometimes there doesn’t need to be any hormones in the mix. If I’ve really physically worn myself out, my defenses can come down. Or if I’m going through my own emotional issues… well, that outcome is obvious. And I can also get too much input from friends and family. I mean, these are the peeps I DON’T block out. When one or two are having problems, I can empathize with them but still maintain my own balance. And sometimes I can provide a li’l balance for them, as well. Make it a person to whom I’m very closely attached, or get too many dramas goin on at once, and it starts to become input I can’t control.

Break Time

I think this is beginning to happen now. I came to the realization after posting about many of my friends going through problems right now, and how I was beginning to react to it. Combined with PMS and recently wearing myself out so thoroughly with exercise and the trip last weekend, my defenses are pretty much down at the moment. And let's not forget the jolt I gave my system that same weekend, by standing toe-to-toe with my social anxiety... and barely winning out. My suspicion solidified when my mood conspicuously flew to a different spectrum as soon as I got to work and started interacting with my coworkers this morning. In fact, now that I think on it, it’s not the first time that has happened lately.

Now don’t get me wrong: I genuinely enjoy my connection to my friends and family… I enjoy being here to provide support and to share their problems, pains and joys. It seems to be the only aspect of my empathy I’ve found so far that provides any benefit at all. And it’s not really a horribly alarming issue at the moment. But I know the signs… it certainly isn’t the first time it’s happened, and it won’t be the last. I just like to exercise a li’l bud-nippin before it takes too long to recover.

So I think I’ll take a li’l time for myself. Just until I regain my equilibrium. This weekend should be an excellent opportunity for that. :)