More "Don't Make Me!" Dreams

Okay, I think I'm seeing a trend to these dreams: Fear of being stripped of my choice.

So another bizarre dream stayed in my memory from last night. In fact, it lingered long enough for me to think over it awhile even after I woke up.

First, I'm in a mall and as soon as I'm done shopping and step out to the parking lot, a couple of guys try to kidnap me. So I fight them off, and run back into the mall. I keep seeing folks I know and think I trust, and try to get them to help me. But each time I start to go with them, it looks like they're taking me straight to the kidnappers, so I bolt and try another route.

This happens through a few tries, and it starts to get dark outside. The crowd of folks is getting thin. My route to the parking lot is blocked, and I can't even see my car out there to try to bolt straight to it. I finally see that my options are nil, and I simply let the dudes cart me off. They don't handle me roughly or anything, but I know that I don't have a choice. They end up taking me to some sort of community. Somehow, I know that this community is a training facility of sorts... training for combat. Which I want nothing to do with.

I'm free to wander about the community as I wish, but I cannot leave. I try a few times, but my escape is blocked each time. The people of the community try to befriend me, but I know that they are trying to win me over to their cause, and I shut myself off from them. I reject every friendly gesture... even though I eventually rather like them and wish I could let myself just go with it.

The dream's pretty lengthy... I'm invited into a school/lecture room type atmosphere, a performance (entertainment) of some sort, a couple of girls braiding my hair (which I promptly cut off), sports play... all sorts of situations. And each time, I get colder and colder with each attempt to draw me in.

With each rejection, I keep expecting them to switch tactics... start torture or some such shit. I resolve not to show any kidness to any animals or people, though I'd like to, cuz I'm afraid they'd try to torture THEM to get to me, too.

They never got to that by time I woke up, but it was a pretty grim dream. I spent every moment shutting myself off further and futher from everybody and everything. And, strangely, I never saw any evidence at all to the place actually being a combat training facility. It was just a friendly li'l community... that didn't allow me to leave. So I'm not sure if it was one of those strange dream situations where you just KNOW something that you have no reason to know... or if my dislike and assumption of the place (that it was a place geared to breed violence) was a product of my mind objecting to my choice being taken away from me. Paranoia.

If I chose to think too deeply on it, I could parallel the dream to my life... only trusting even the people I know to a certain degree... shutting myself off from the world due to an unfounded social anxiety, even though I'd like to be more open... highly valuing my ability to choose my path in life... not necessarily valuing the same goals that others aspire towards for happiness.

But that would be thinking to much, and I gotta get back to work. :)

Revisiting the Dream Chronicles

Nightmares?

So I can get some pretty strange dreams. Don’t we all? But I don't see to react to them as one would imagine as typical. What could be considered a typical nightmare: monsters, vampires, aliens, etc... these don't terrify me at all. They're more of an adventure. Sometimes annoying, but definitely not scary. I guess I'm such a fan of fantasy and sci-fi, that I don't really bat an eyelash at such things.

A true nightmare to me: those that seem perfectly normal... everyday people, places, situations... only with tiny little twists in which I've made a horrible decision or have hurt somebody. I guess these are the things I am afraid of. Oh, well, and there was that one with this dude calmly walkin through the mall, mowin folks down with a machine gun and aiming it point blank at my head. That was a bit disturbing.

Dream Come True?

And then there are the dreams you’d think would be the inspiration for “a dream come true” in the waking world. Perhaps the world has evolved to a point to where such fantasies aren’t as appealing as they once would be. Or maybe I’m simply disenchanted with some aspects of life… or (and this is the most probable case) I simply think about everything entirely too much.

So anyway, here’s my dream last night. I’d totally forgotten it until just a little while ago. I’m not sure what reminded me, but then there it was in full detail. There I was, on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean… I’m fairly sure it was England. And I was trying to explain to a man, who was somehow a member of royalty (not one I’m currently familiar with), why I was having a problem with the prospect of marrying him.

Ummm… Excuse Me?

First and foremost, I objected to the fact that he didn’t actually ask me to marry him… his father simply decided I was going to marry his son and started making arrangements for my citizenship (because, of course, I’m an American citizen and was only in England as a visitor). The man (don’t recall his name) is obviously madly in love with me, though, and is thrilled with the decision. He doesn’t seem to see a problem with the arrangement.

Why Marry?

So then I go onto my next objection: I’m not all that big on the whole “marriage” idea. It just doesn’t seem realistic to me… I don’t really believe that mankind was designed to be monogamous. We love entirely too many people in our lives… in many different capacities. And all relationships evolve. Promising somebody that you will feel the exact same way for the rest of your life… or that you’ll maintain the relationship even if you don’t, just doesn’t make sense. No other relationship in our lives requires that kind of contract… why should a romantic one? Aside from raising children, but that’s a whole nother issue.

No Absolutes

Of course, nothing is an absolute. I’ve always acknowledged that my outlook on any subject can change at any time. And I’m not about to say I’ll never get married. I’ve simply decided that if I do, it will be for somebody I love a LOT and am willing to set my misgivings aside. And, hell… if I love somebody that much, the misgivings may just disappear. Who knows.

Exception-Worthy?

But anyway, here I am trying to explain all this to the dude in the dream. I’m not sure exactly how much I managed to get through… but I could see he wasn’t taking it well. Now, I really did care about the guy… was genuinely comfortable with him, enjoyed his companionship and his touch, trusted him and didn’t want to hurt him at all. Now this is a LOT… far more than I’ve experienced so far in life. But is it really enough?

When I get to the part about making an exception, he perks right up yet gets all tense at the same time, and asks me if I love him enough for that kind of exception. And I honestly can’t say. I don’t know. Now, it’s my opinion that if I can’t tell, the answer is most probably no. But I don’t really want to say that out right.

A Hermit in King Arthur’s Court?

So I go onto my third issue: completely uprooting my life to move to England and become a part of an existence far more complicated than the one I’m used to: royalty, public eye, etc. Which is a pretty legitimate objection, considering my anti-social tendencies. I completely blew off his question which, in hindsight, had to have been pretty telling.

I honestly don’t remember any other part of my conversation with him. The next thing I recall from the dream is my return journey back to the States. I’m in a gift shop of sorts, looking for a gift to bring back to a friend (male) here. And I’m not thinking about the English guy at all. Of course, that could have been a separate dream… you know how dreams can do that: Completely jump from one subject to the other, but somehow still maintain a link: such as traveling back to the country.

Where Did THAT Come From?

But the feelings surrounding that conversation still stand out pretty clearly in my memory. Who knows what prompted the dream. Probably all the Gilmore Girls reruns I’ve been watching lately… every element of the dream having been recently addressed on the show, now that I think about it.

You’d think any girl would be thrilled at the prospect of marrying a prince madly in love with her, and living in riches and luxury. Perhaps that particular kind of conversation is another dread to me… but then, I doubt that’s a unique predicament. Folks have to let people down all the time… and, in the process, hurt them. I guess I fear more for having to do it somebody else, than it happening to me.

Go figure.