Holding Pattern

So Grimace status at the moment is in a holding pattern... and it doesn't bother me. This is a good sign. It means I'm actually acting on the spirit of taking it easy, rather than just saying the words cuz it sounds like the sensible thing to do.

Cancelled by Default

Turned out we never met up this past weekend. He finally had to cry off of our mini-novel exchange to focus on his studies... about a week ago. We hadn't finalized any plans about when or where to meet, so I waited to hear back from him when he was ready to reconnect. Didn't happen. Which was okay with me, actually. I ended up getting a LOT of work done around the duplex, and shopping, etc. My bad-shoulder downtime has officially come to an end.

I suppose I could have pushed the issue... could have tried to contact him and say: "Hey, what's up? We're supposed to meet this weekend." But I just didn't feel like pushing it... I mean, inclinations can change at the drop of the hat, and there's not much anybody can do about it. Forcing the matter just makes things uncomfortable all around. 'Sides... I suspected that, after such a stressful week, he probly wasn't feeling horribly sociable. I know I wouldn't be.

Jump-Starting Communication

So I wrote to him on Monday, letting him know I'd be shutting down my personals ad by the end of the week, and offering my regular e-mail addy if he felt so inclined to get back in touch when/if he was ready to do so.

I never even got online yesterday, as I stayed home... half with a migraine/on drugs, and half trying to get some stuff done that I missed over the weekend. It's an interesting combination, let me tell you. Amway, turns out he wrote me right back, as I was met with an e-mail dated yesterday, when I got back online this morning.

Thought Provoking Issues

Seems there were a variety of issues that held him back from contacting me again.

1) Yes, he was feeling incredibly anti-social all weekend. This I'd suspected.

2) He had a lot to think about. First, there were evidently a few small elements of our (my) correspondence that somehow rang some alarm bells from things he'd dealt with in the past. He didn't elaborate so I'm not sure what it was, though I can suspect. When I responded, I explained that I know I'm not perfect, but that I've no problems with facing my weaknesses and being upfront about them. I can't assure him that I won't repeat whatever disasters he'd experienced in the past... just as he couldn't assure the same to me. The way I see it, we can either live in fear of historical repetition, or we can treat our communication as unique and accept that it will go good or go bad based on it's own merit.

Personal Progress

Now, with each male connection I've made since I freed myself from the shackles of "victimhood", I've grown just a little bit more. And I think my growth this time is reflected in that I'm still maintaining my self respect and identity in the face of even minor criticism. All too often in the past, I've instantly shifted to a sense of inferiority, wondering what's wrong with me and apologizing for it anyway. But I've achieved a mindframe in which I don't feel a need to apologize for anything.

I never really told him much about my "issues" (some things don't need to put out there right off the bat), but I might have hinted to a small part in explaining why I'm more comfortable maintaining a more logical perspective to my emotions. But whenever or however it comes out, my past is my past... and though I'm a far cry from working completely through it, I feel I have a handle on not letting it rule my thoughts and actions, so I feel a sense of confidence and self empowerment. It really helps me to not feel overwhelmed by possible rejection or an unknown outcome. In fact, I kind of welcome an unknown outcome. I don't really want to know what tomorrow holds for me.

A New One on Me

Amway, with his misgivings in mind, he also has another situation with another girl with whom he's been in communication. Somebody he met a few months ago, who has stepped up the emotional notch. From his explanation, I'm not sure if he's ready for that or knows if it's the right thing for him. Hence, continuing his search on personals ads.

Again, this new piece of information doesn't bother me. For one thing, I haven't really allowed myself to take too much emotional stock in our communication. More of that living by the spirit of taking it easy, I suppose. For another thing, I completely understand finding oneself juggling several different individuals when you dabble in these personals ads. Sometimes they get narrowed down to one, a few, or none at all. This is actually my first time in Personal Ad land where this hasn't happened to me. I only came out with one really interesting prospect.

Que Sera Sera

Amway, I genuinely enjoy my communication with Grimace, and hope that it continues... wherever it turns up. I don't really have any hopes or expectations for the outcome, so I'm good with whatever works out. He obviously has a lotta things to work through on his own, and I'm cool with letting him do that and getting back to me if/when he's ready. He expressed an interest in doing so, so at least that much is encouraging. But if he doesn't... well, I suppose I'd be disappointed, but certainly not devastated. Hermits are rarely devastated by the prospect of being left alone for a little while longer... lol