Bright Spots in the Dark

Memory Lane, Part II

So, in continuation of my previous post, my second recent “Memory Trip” happened with a dream… the subconscious being another one of those masked bandits that loves to trip you up every once in a while. I don’t remember exactly which night… it wasn’t too long after the song-assault on Saturday.

Representation of Dreams

I try not to take much stock in dreams… except as inspiration for some of my more fantastical stories. But through them I believe I’ve been able to track, to a certain extent, the process of my psyche healing over the last decade and a half. For example, dream sex used to always be with strangers, very empty, never in control, and very... well, wrong. I accepted this as a reflection of my inability to allow anybody close to me, if not an actual reflection of my view and experience of sex in general.

In the last few years, erotic dreams have shifted to familiar people… if not in real life, then I at least know them in the dream. Not quite “empty”… they seem on the brink of that emotional connection I’ve always wanted to find, but not quite trusting the situation to be true… not trusting myself to know the difference. And I’m in control in my dreams… of myself, of my choice, of my wishes... a HUGE deal for me, and indicator of my growth and strength in real life. They’re still not quite… right, but they are a far cry from the old jagged twist of WRONG.

An Old Friend

So this week’s dream actually featured a character from my past... High School, to be precise. A positive connection in my life from before my destructive introduction to the world of sex, but still in the murky midst of my low self esteem and confidence. This person was definitely a vibrant personality… one I genuinely cared about, and one of the very few I could actually physically curl up with, unencumbered by doubts of intent, reality or wondering what we meant to each other. I could rest assured we lay firmly within the realm of “friends”, and so I had no reason to doubt myself. For my part, I was too busy in the middle of a crush on somebody else, and for his part… well, I always suspected I was a bit too milquetoast for him to be interested in me romantically… lol I don’t doubt I still would be.

But it was a great friendship… part of a great group, some of whom I still remain pretty close with. In the midst of my personal struggles, all of them were literally a lifeline for me. I haven’t talked to him in years… not even sure where he is or what he’s doing. I don’t think he’s kept in touch with many… forging his own way on his own terms.

A Portent of Things to Come?

Now in the past, I HAVE had an uncanny tendency to discover long-lost friends or acquaintances within a year of dreaming of them out of the blue. So perhaps this is a good sign… though I don’t take much stock in the face value of his appearance in an erotic dream. Personally, I like to think it’s a small sign that my psyche is ready to apply positive characters and connections to it’s concept of romance and sex.

It’s a thought, anyway. But a positive one. :)