On Death

Death Wishes

So my folks came back from San Diego Sunday night, and we sat and talked a bit about Red’s funeral… which naturally led to discussions about what they want done with them when they die. The long and the short of their wishes are essentially: no fuss. If I need to have some sort of closure, ceremony, funeral, whatever… do it. But don’t do it for their sake. They want to be cremated, ultimately mingled in the same urn, and then tucked away wherever I decide is appropriate. Pop’s all for giving his body to science, but the thought of my father’s dead naked cadaver laying on a table waiting to be dissected by a buncha students is a bit much. I don’t care how unreasonable that is.

But I’m not thrilled with the other end of the spectrum, either. I know it sounds horrible, but I don’t want any pomp and circumstance. I’m really not into the public grieving bit... not to mention my aversion to public anything. I’ve never been to a funeral, and I don’t think my life would be incomplete if I never attended one for the remainder of it. In the eventuality of my parent(s) death, I think I would feel obligated to give at least a memorial so friends and family could have THEIR closure, but I don’t believe I’d need one for MY closure.

Sympathy, Comfort & Support

Of course, attending somebody’s funeral is one thing, and giving comfort and support to those left behind is another… but even that has its limits. Our Receptionist’s husband has been very ill with cancer… when the doctors gave up on him a month or so back, she took indefinite time off to stay home with him during their last time together. We’ve had an SOS temp for a few weeks now (very nice lady… though, she reminds me of Yiy in a lotta ways). And while Mom and Pop were at Red’s funeral, we at work got word that The Receptionist lost HER hubby that same day.

Of course, we’re all sad for her. It’s always rather difficult to relay empathy for another’s pain and loss. Even when it’s someone close to you. For anybody else, it just seems to ring especially… hollow. Which is why I don’t particularly offer it. Sounds rather cold, I know, but one must know one’s boundaries with peeps, and I prefer to give them their space, as I appreciate my space. I give support as I can in the capacity that I have relevance to their life, and I give whatever they ask of me. Of course, folks rarely ask for comfort from anybody they aren’t particularly close to… and for those I DO hold close, well… my comfort actually holds value, and I offer it freely.

Personal Boundaries

Not that I don’t understand the want for others to give sympathy and comfort wherever it may be needed. I used to be like that, actually… before I became more careful about my boundaries. Most of the support staff in the office (and more than a few of the PM’s, as well) have been very supportive of the Receptionist in a personal capacity… the Office Manager talks to her at least 2-3 times a week since she’s been out. And I’m glad of that. She can use all the support she can get.

But every time she’s called in, she’s talked to just about all of the other support staff… she’s never asked to talk to me once. And I’m perfectly comfortable with that. I think she understands my nature, to a certain extend, and recognizes what I can and cannot offer her. Whether she understands the reasons behind it, I don’t know. She may just think I’m cold. Which doesn’t bother me, either. But I give her credit for understanding a little more than that.

Differing Natures

Of course, the irony of the situation is that she IS the kind of person to give sympathy and comfort to anybody and everybody… she’s a very motherly type of individual. If I were in mourning, she’d most probly be the first in line to offer a shoulder. And I appreciate that about her… that's her nature. It's part of the reason I won’t disrespect her by offering something hollow... that's my nature.

Her hubby’s memorial is this Saturday… I will not be attending, though I believe most of the rest of the department will be. Again, I’m not a fan of the public grieving scene. I don’t need to remember the man… I hardly knew him. I can offer her support in my own way… in the environment that I actually have relevance to her life: at work. Whenever she’s ready to return.

Post Script

Interesting footnote to everything I just typed *pointing up*... Coincidentally, The Receptionist just came in briefly, to pick up some things, while I was finishing typing this. The Office Whisperer got up to give her a hug, and they talked some about the memorial Saturday. I didn't have much to offer to the conversation, except to agree with her surprise over the Office Whisperer and myself switching desks (per the Boss's orders last week). She met our SOS, and talked to a few peeps, and started on her way out. I gave her a quick wave as she went by, and she stopped to grab my hand for a lingering squeeze and a sad smile.

That's all we needed. And I know we're good.

On Fussing

So I’ve come to realize that a good portion of the time I feel like posting is when I’m feeling rather morose… ie: hormonal. And… while it’s good to purge what I’m feeling, going back to read it is like peeking in on a certified wack-job.

Which I probly am, but I really am able to hide it much better most of the time. So here’s to a relatively well-balanced (looking) post. :)

Amway… As suspected, I was pretty much over-fussing about my friends “slipping through my fingers”. Amazing the havoc a small thing like insecurity can wreak on one’s psyche. Damn hormones. Pfft. But most times I’m well aware that my friends know me… and accept me for who I am and what I’m able to give, just as I accept the same from them. These are the friendships that last, and there's a good reason for that. It’s all good… at least I’m reassured as much for IHOP Buddy and Halloween Nut. Still haven’t heard from Mikee, but who knows what she may be going through at the moment.

I AM a li’l concerned about IHOP Buddy… her short communication to me indicated SOMEthing is wrong in her life at the moment, and she’s just not ready to reach out just yet. I completely understand that… but hope she’s okay.

Picking Up an Old Favorite

So I've started reading again. I took a break for the longest time (read: years) cuz this one thing I love to do most in the world gives me migraines.

Actually, to be completely honest, I have to clarify: the way I normally read gives me migraines... as in, obsessively devouring an entire book for hours on end, moving only to relieve myself or vaguely remembering to eat. Ever since my head go so friggin sensitive, it's no wonder this modus operandi has backfired on me.

But I couldn't stay away forever. IHOP Buddy has never given up hope on me... we started kind of our own little book club a while back. And over the last few years, the pile of books she's given me to read keeps growing... they even have their own shelf in one of my bookcases. She keeps asking me if I've read them yet, and I shamefacedly say no and she can have em back if she wants em, and she exasperatedly informs me she doesn't want them back, she wants me to READ them.

So amway, yeah, I've started reading again... was even inspired to pick up a puzzle this last week (I haven't put together a puzzle in AGES). Anything other than vegging in front of the TV (though, I've caught some of the Olympics, too). I've just been retraining myself to read and/or focus on any given activity, but include regular breaks to relieve the strain on my eyes and move around a bit. I've had mixed results in avoiding a migraine... but that's what drugs are good for.

For the most part, the books I've read have been the newest adventures of series I already know and love. Books I've been impatiently waiting for to come out... even though I wasn't reading them. And I've read a few of IHOP Buddies' books, of course, sparking new favorite series (the opportunities for new favorites are really endless). But this weekend I finally picked up a writer I haven't read in YEARS. Ever since... oh, around Gerald's Game and Dolores Claiborne, when he started trying to focus on the psychological thriller angle and ended up just boring.

Back in the Navy, I joined the Stephen King Library... which sent me one book a month (at a discount) in hard bound until I was up to speed (that took a few years). Then, every time a new one came out, they'd automatically send that to me as well. His is my only collection I have in full and in hard bound. I've always been a huge fan of Stephen King, so this is a good thing. However, once I was put off, I just couldn't hop back on. I simply wasn't interested... though I continued with the book club.

And his most recent offering (it had to have been written in the last few months, because among his many cultural references was Katrina) is a book called Cell. I read the jacket... it sounded interesting... and I'm now hooked on King again. :) I'd forgotten how much I like his quirky humor... and his ability to gross you out in such a matter-of-fact manner. And his distinct tendancy to address the truly mundane aspects of life we all take for granted.

And I have to admit I'm just a tad wary of my cell phone now.

Back… Kinda

So, yeah, I’m back. Kinda. This has been a rather long bout of closing myself off. Perhaps it’s the cold… yeah, mebbe that’s it. Well, that and being sick.

I think the key to pulling me out of it has been forced socialization… cuz lord knows I don’t do it voluntarily. This weekend it was Family Saturday Dinner. We’d missed several weeks before because one or the other of us been sick and we don’t want to kill off Gram. I hadn’t really wanted to go Saturday, but ended up feeling better by the end of the night.

A few weeks ago it was a call from Radish. It was great to talk to her, and I got all kinds of motivated to get in touch with other friends… Mikee and Halloween Nut in particular, cuz their birthdays were either just past or coming up. And IHOP Buddy, cuz… well, I’m just not sure about the state of our friendship. It’s been kinda “off” ever since the sofa-moving incident last year… and it’s definitely been “off” since I blew off her surprise 30th birthday bash in November. It was another one of those: I-thought-I-could-force-myself-to-go-to-a-large-social-situation-with-a-bunch-of-people-I-don't-know-well-if-at-all-but-froze-up-at-the-11th-hour again.

Amway, I tried to call Mikee, and discovered her phone’s been disconnected. So I have no idea where she even is or how long she’s been there. That was a bit disheartening. Then I tried to call IHOP Buddy and ended up leaving messages on both of her phones… again. The last time was about a month ago, with no response. That just about killed all motivation. Part of me feels like my friends are slipping through my fingers… and the other part of me staunchly reminds myself that I’m simply reaping what I’ve sown.

Unfortunately, motivation disappeared before I had a chance to call Halloween Nut. I still need to do that… especially since we haven’t talked in a while, and I need to find out what’s going on between her and Radish. Cuz Radish has no clue and hasn’t even heard from her for about a year. I guess a part of me figures H.N. simply won’t pick up the phone… it’s not unusual (hell, I do it myself upon occasion), and I guess I’m kinda gunshy at the moment.

I recognize that my behavior is the ultimate in self-absorption. I hold everybody at arm’s length until I’m ready to be friendly again… and then I’m surprised when they’re not available for my convenience. Of course, logically recognizing something and emotionally feeling trapped within the pattern are two completely different things.

But… I also know I’m hormonal at the moment, and that always throws everything out of perspective… in mega amplification. So I’ll be over it soon enough, and everything won’t seem so stark. Mikee’s family IS of the military persuasion… they’re probably in the middle of restationing, and will contact me when they have time to think of that sort of thing.

As for IHOP Buddy… well, we’ve been on the outs before in our friendship. And we’ve always come around… eventually. IHOP Buddy isn’t really the type to shut the door forever… she just needs to come to me in her own time. In the meantime, I think I’m just gonna mail her Christmas gift calendar so she can at least have it before June this year.

And Halloween Nut… well, I’ll only know if she’ll answer the phone if I call.

And the World Churns On

So life in general has had plenty to contribute to my moroseness. Both personally and in the news.

Red

First, we learned that a man I’ve known my entire life died this past Friday. Everybody knew it was coming, really… in fact, he’d been stubbornly holding on despite his dismal health odds and living life to the fullest for several years. And you couldn’t ask for a better way to go… he simply sat down to catch his breath (he was home) and then he was gone.

Strangely enough, I don’t mourn Red’s loss from my life. I’m glad I had a chance to get to San Diego and visit him one last time a few years ago. He was an incredibly vibrant, ornery, huge-hearted person and nobody forgets him who’s met him. He was kinda like my adopted grandfather… he and Shorty lived right next door to my folks when I was born.

I can’t imagine my life having never known Red… but I don’t mourn his loss. The sadness I felt Friday night when I heard the news was for Shorty. They were together for so long… her life will be irrevocably changed. She lost her son so many years ago to Viet Nam, and now she’s lost her husband. She still has a daughter (and I know this is an uncharitable opinion) who lives in Vegas and stays in touch with family when she needs money… but I think it’s Shorty’s grandson who will help her through. He’s just a few years younger than me, and adores his grandparents. Now grandparent. He’s the one who called me with the news. Shorty is a sweetheart and a strong woman… but I’m glad he’s there for her.

Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll be able to make it the funeral. Both with situations at home and at work, Mom and I can rarely be gone at the same time… and not for very long. So the folks will make it if they can secure a flight on such notice… things were looking a little grim in that department this weekend, but there’s always a chance.

The World

Amway, part of my rousing myself to blog was wanting to document this momentous event in my life… even though it took place hundreds of miles away. I’ve BEEN meaning to blog about various news stories that have had my brain working, but the rousing just wasn’t there. But since I’m here, I’ll comment on one pretty big one that’s pretty damned depressing: the extremely violent reactions of Muslims around the world to the Danish political cartoons of Mohammed. I agree the cartoons were tasteless, but at first I felt contempt for such a gross over-reaction with so little value for life.

But then I realized two things: 1) these people’s resentment over EVERYTHING the West has represented to them has been building for decades… and 2) their entire culture seems to be built on a completely different value system than the one I understand. Violence, death, vengeance… it’s all an acceptable part of their cultural make-up. Not necessarily the religion, as I understand that Islam was originally meant to be a peaceful religion. But a culture takes a religion and shapes it to its own nature. So calling for the death and destruction of friggin cartoonists is nothing unusual to them.

How can one possibly comprehend such a mentality? A mentality that votes in terrorist organizations for their political infrastructure? A mentality that bred "Honor Killings"? I certainly don’t have the answer to that, because I obviously possess no such comprehension.

Of course, the world goes on… news continues to happen whether you like it or not. The other day I was reading an article about dead fetuses and newborns clogging the sewers of Zimbabwe’s capital city. I must have had a shocked look on my face, cuz The Office Whisperer had just looked at me and asked me what was wrong. I didn’t elaborate, but said I was reading a horrible story. Her logical solution… so don’t read it. Pretty sound logic… but news happens whether you want it to or not.

So which is the more sensible approach? Staying informed about the world, or ignoring that which I can do nothing about and will only upset me? I honestly can’t say. Just what is sensible about the world, anyway?