Back… Kinda

So, yeah, I’m back. Kinda. This has been a rather long bout of closing myself off. Perhaps it’s the cold… yeah, mebbe that’s it. Well, that and being sick.

I think the key to pulling me out of it has been forced socialization… cuz lord knows I don’t do it voluntarily. This weekend it was Family Saturday Dinner. We’d missed several weeks before because one or the other of us been sick and we don’t want to kill off Gram. I hadn’t really wanted to go Saturday, but ended up feeling better by the end of the night.

A few weeks ago it was a call from Radish. It was great to talk to her, and I got all kinds of motivated to get in touch with other friends… Mikee and Halloween Nut in particular, cuz their birthdays were either just past or coming up. And IHOP Buddy, cuz… well, I’m just not sure about the state of our friendship. It’s been kinda “off” ever since the sofa-moving incident last year… and it’s definitely been “off” since I blew off her surprise 30th birthday bash in November. It was another one of those: I-thought-I-could-force-myself-to-go-to-a-large-social-situation-with-a-bunch-of-people-I-don't-know-well-if-at-all-but-froze-up-at-the-11th-hour again.

Amway, I tried to call Mikee, and discovered her phone’s been disconnected. So I have no idea where she even is or how long she’s been there. That was a bit disheartening. Then I tried to call IHOP Buddy and ended up leaving messages on both of her phones… again. The last time was about a month ago, with no response. That just about killed all motivation. Part of me feels like my friends are slipping through my fingers… and the other part of me staunchly reminds myself that I’m simply reaping what I’ve sown.

Unfortunately, motivation disappeared before I had a chance to call Halloween Nut. I still need to do that… especially since we haven’t talked in a while, and I need to find out what’s going on between her and Radish. Cuz Radish has no clue and hasn’t even heard from her for about a year. I guess a part of me figures H.N. simply won’t pick up the phone… it’s not unusual (hell, I do it myself upon occasion), and I guess I’m kinda gunshy at the moment.

I recognize that my behavior is the ultimate in self-absorption. I hold everybody at arm’s length until I’m ready to be friendly again… and then I’m surprised when they’re not available for my convenience. Of course, logically recognizing something and emotionally feeling trapped within the pattern are two completely different things.

But… I also know I’m hormonal at the moment, and that always throws everything out of perspective… in mega amplification. So I’ll be over it soon enough, and everything won’t seem so stark. Mikee’s family IS of the military persuasion… they’re probably in the middle of restationing, and will contact me when they have time to think of that sort of thing.

As for IHOP Buddy… well, we’ve been on the outs before in our friendship. And we’ve always come around… eventually. IHOP Buddy isn’t really the type to shut the door forever… she just needs to come to me in her own time. In the meantime, I think I’m just gonna mail her Christmas gift calendar so she can at least have it before June this year.

And Halloween Nut… well, I’ll only know if she’ll answer the phone if I call.