On Death

Death Wishes

So my folks came back from San Diego Sunday night, and we sat and talked a bit about Red’s funeral… which naturally led to discussions about what they want done with them when they die. The long and the short of their wishes are essentially: no fuss. If I need to have some sort of closure, ceremony, funeral, whatever… do it. But don’t do it for their sake. They want to be cremated, ultimately mingled in the same urn, and then tucked away wherever I decide is appropriate. Pop’s all for giving his body to science, but the thought of my father’s dead naked cadaver laying on a table waiting to be dissected by a buncha students is a bit much. I don’t care how unreasonable that is.

But I’m not thrilled with the other end of the spectrum, either. I know it sounds horrible, but I don’t want any pomp and circumstance. I’m really not into the public grieving bit... not to mention my aversion to public anything. I’ve never been to a funeral, and I don’t think my life would be incomplete if I never attended one for the remainder of it. In the eventuality of my parent(s) death, I think I would feel obligated to give at least a memorial so friends and family could have THEIR closure, but I don’t believe I’d need one for MY closure.

Sympathy, Comfort & Support

Of course, attending somebody’s funeral is one thing, and giving comfort and support to those left behind is another… but even that has its limits. Our Receptionist’s husband has been very ill with cancer… when the doctors gave up on him a month or so back, she took indefinite time off to stay home with him during their last time together. We’ve had an SOS temp for a few weeks now (very nice lady… though, she reminds me of Yiy in a lotta ways). And while Mom and Pop were at Red’s funeral, we at work got word that The Receptionist lost HER hubby that same day.

Of course, we’re all sad for her. It’s always rather difficult to relay empathy for another’s pain and loss. Even when it’s someone close to you. For anybody else, it just seems to ring especially… hollow. Which is why I don’t particularly offer it. Sounds rather cold, I know, but one must know one’s boundaries with peeps, and I prefer to give them their space, as I appreciate my space. I give support as I can in the capacity that I have relevance to their life, and I give whatever they ask of me. Of course, folks rarely ask for comfort from anybody they aren’t particularly close to… and for those I DO hold close, well… my comfort actually holds value, and I offer it freely.

Personal Boundaries

Not that I don’t understand the want for others to give sympathy and comfort wherever it may be needed. I used to be like that, actually… before I became more careful about my boundaries. Most of the support staff in the office (and more than a few of the PM’s, as well) have been very supportive of the Receptionist in a personal capacity… the Office Manager talks to her at least 2-3 times a week since she’s been out. And I’m glad of that. She can use all the support she can get.

But every time she’s called in, she’s talked to just about all of the other support staff… she’s never asked to talk to me once. And I’m perfectly comfortable with that. I think she understands my nature, to a certain extend, and recognizes what I can and cannot offer her. Whether she understands the reasons behind it, I don’t know. She may just think I’m cold. Which doesn’t bother me, either. But I give her credit for understanding a little more than that.

Differing Natures

Of course, the irony of the situation is that she IS the kind of person to give sympathy and comfort to anybody and everybody… she’s a very motherly type of individual. If I were in mourning, she’d most probly be the first in line to offer a shoulder. And I appreciate that about her… that's her nature. It's part of the reason I won’t disrespect her by offering something hollow... that's my nature.

Her hubby’s memorial is this Saturday… I will not be attending, though I believe most of the rest of the department will be. Again, I’m not a fan of the public grieving scene. I don’t need to remember the man… I hardly knew him. I can offer her support in my own way… in the environment that I actually have relevance to her life: at work. Whenever she’s ready to return.

Post Script

Interesting footnote to everything I just typed *pointing up*... Coincidentally, The Receptionist just came in briefly, to pick up some things, while I was finishing typing this. The Office Whisperer got up to give her a hug, and they talked some about the memorial Saturday. I didn't have much to offer to the conversation, except to agree with her surprise over the Office Whisperer and myself switching desks (per the Boss's orders last week). She met our SOS, and talked to a few peeps, and started on her way out. I gave her a quick wave as she went by, and she stopped to grab my hand for a lingering squeeze and a sad smile.

That's all we needed. And I know we're good.