Aussie Thoughts

So I’ve been thinking about my Aussie a bit lately. Haven’t chatted with him for a while, but that’s not unusual. I don’t think I ever really keep track of the interim breaks between our communication, but I know that several months can be typical. And honestly, that suits my anti-social modus operandi just fine.

However, I keep feeling that our contact is growing apart… something I’ve felt even the last few times we’ve chatted. And I realized a somewhat ironic fact: Almost since I first met him, he was continuously striving to change himself into his perception of something better… and in the end, he simply reverted back to being himself. Which is probably the best way to go, anyway. I’m all for self-improvement, but it has to be what YOU want.

As for myself… I don’t think I’ve ever TRIED to stay the same… but I also don’t think I realized just how much I was changing. In the beginning of our communication, I hardly agreed with everything he said, and was perfectly happy to challenge him and engage in debate on just about any subject. And I think he valued that. Then, when he was struggling through his “self-improvement”, I was able to provide support and a kind of logical stability to try to help guide him through his efforts. I know I blogged a time or two about missing the old days of our communication.

And then… the days of support were over. He’s standing on solid, familiar ground now (or at least to the best of my knowledge), and I even recognized him trying to stir up a debate or two in our convos. And I still don't agree with him on much... but it just isn’t in me to argue anymore. I guess that’s how I’ve changed… a symptom of drawing more and more inward, I suppose. I think a part of that may be reaching an age of dissolutionment… the horrors of the world are simply disheartening. How can I possibly raise protest to everything that is wrong to me… especially when my protest means nothing? A defeatist attitude, I suppose… something he wouldn’t applaud, either.

So, there it is. I have little to offer our communication anymore, so its eventual demise seems inevitable. A strange relationship to start with, as it is, taking place halfway across the world anyway. A relationship based solely on communication during a time that I'm feeling less and less inclined to communicate with anybody. And that's aside from my pervasive (possibly unfounded) feeling that I'm not precisely the person he thinks I am. And perhaps he's not exactly as I see him, either. But that's a whole nother topic altogether. I'm not particularly happy with the prospects of any of these lines of thought, but I'm not entirely sure what to do about it, either.

Amway, I’ve been thinking of snail mailing him a letter. I popped him an e-mail to wish him happy birthday last month, but received no response… which was unusual. There could be a number of reasons for this, and I won’t insult him by trying to assign a motive to it. So, just in case he isn’t near internet access, I’ll just bug him otherwise. If my latest address for him is accurate, of course. Who knows… it may even be a pleasant surprise.