Brilliant Conclusion

So I couldn’t help sharing my joy… very few things in life elicit true happiness, outside of childhood and falling in love. But I am genuinely happy. The subject of my happiness is really a rather minor matter… and only a guess. But it’s a possible solution, and possibilities ALWAYS trump hopelessness. :)

Struggle for Sanity

Okay, okay, I’ll get to my point. I know no few of my posts over the last several months have mentioned struggling with increased withdrawal… irrationality… self-doubt… and all-round symptoms smacking suspiciously of depression. Frequently more intense with my hormonal cycle, of course… all of which perfectly mirrors my experience 10-15 years ago.

I guess I’m particularly sensitive to the prospects of depression (over all other things in my life) because of this earlier experience. Of course, during adolescence, hormones are running wild… you’re just learning how to handle life… dealing with transitions… it’s a natural time to experience depression, before you can find your balance and stand on your own two feet.

For me, that balance was not found very quickly… but I DID find it. I learned what it took to be happy and confident with myself and my life… and I haven’t looked back since. But it’s always lurked there in the background… which I imagine is normal. Everybody experiences a certain amount of self-doubt and emotional struggles in any given stage of their life.

Tipping the Balance

But I know myself… and I know my own personal balance. And when that starts to break down… well, that scares me. I cannot STAND losing control over my own psyche. So here I’ve been… a tad alarmed over a trend I’m beginning to recognize but really not wanting to. I’ve even considered seeking counseling… which is something I really don’t want to do. I guess mostly cuz I don’t have much faith in it. I saw a psychologist when I was younger, and she really didn’t do me much good… I mean, she was nice enough to talk to, but I had to find the way out of my depression within myself. And I guess that’s how I’ve conducted my life ever since… with the attitude that I have to do it on my own.

Only problem is… I keep feeling I CAN’T handle it on my own… that it’s getting away from me despite my best efforts. Now, I have to mention one other time within the past decade in which my emotional state of mind completely evaded my logical capabilities. And this was when I introduced a long-term foreign substance to my system: a massive dose of hormones. I decided to try the depo shot several years ago… thankfully during a time I didn’t really NEED it (ie: while in a relationship which I could possibly destroy by turning into a raging bitch) and I proceeded to turn into a raging bitch. I didn’t stay on the depo shot.

Under the Influence

So I got to thinking last night. It’s been on my mind a lot… especially since recent conversations with friends who are also struggling with depression enough to consider seeking professional help. And I started thinking of what new foreign substance I may have introduced to my body in the last several months. And there it was. Last year, after I told the VA doc I didn’t like the side effects of the Amitriptyline (one of two migraine preventative options), he started me on Propranalol (the other option). At our next appointment three months later, I informed him I didn’t see any difference in my migraines, so he increased the dosage. I’ve been on that increased dosage for about two months now.

Well I looked the drug up online this morning, and lo and behold: right near the top of the list of possible side-effects is depression. Nice to know. Now, I suppose I can’t particularly blame the doc for not warning me about the possible side effect. After all, the list is pretty long. The VA conducts appointments in an impersonal assembly line… and I’d never had occasion to mention my history of depression in the past, so I don’t think it’s in my medical records. But still. It could explain a lot.

So I’m going to immediately discontinue the Propranolol. I guess I’ve seen a little bit of improvement in my migraines with the higher dose… but nothing is worth my sanity. The Amitriptyline worked much better, and that only made me groggy in the mornings.

Just a Possibility

Of course, the drugs may not be the answer. But there’s only one way to find out. So… if I don’t notice an improvement in my emotional state after discontinuing the meds, then I’ll know something else is the problem and I’ll need to look to other solutions. And I can always restart the Propranalol if necessary.

But if this IS the answer… I can’t tell you how relieved I’ll be. :)