Maternal Bon Voyage

So today is Mom’s last day at work… just got back from her good-bye luncheon. Long story, but the Reader’s Digest condensed version of it is: Politics. She quit. Her departure has been much akin to (as she puts it) grabbing hold of a hornet’s nest and shaking the crap out of it. Folks are certainly scrambling to make sure this division will continue to function after she’s gone.

Fortunately, I’ve been able to invoke the power of my superiors in order to back out completely from the whole situation. I will no longer be back-up for her job, I will not fill in while they find a replacement for her, I will not have ANYthing to do with the Documents Center. I simply can’t. I’ve become so overwhelmed with my own work… and considering the direction my position may go in the near future, I’ll have even less time for it.

As for Mom, well… she’s going to take some much needed time off. Mebbe I’ll get her hooked on that DarkHunter series that IHOP Buddy got ME hooked on, and I turned around and already got Radish hooked on. Normally Mom doesn’t go for the romance novels, but I was telling her about the mythological aspect of it, and she sounded interested. She and Pop have also booked a Disney World vacation in April, too. I’m jealous, but I’m also broke, so no trips in the near future for me. :)

Pre-emptive Clarification

Upon reading over my last post, I realized that any notion of "wanting to be saved" can take a short train trip to the notion of "God". Especially by those who feel strongly about that particular notion.

Let me just stop that itinerary before it goes too far. My ideas of "God" and spirituality are a WHOLE nother issue... suffice to say that my closest acceptance of the concept of "God" is as an extention of ourselves, individually and collectively.

As such, the statement that only I can help myself already lends itself to the prospect that "God" is a desired factor. Or discludes the notion... whichever way you want to look at it.

Little Girls (a.k.a The 5% Hour)

So the Psyche is an amazing thing, dontcha think? Don’t ask me what got me on this and related topics, but they’ve been stuck in my head all week. As always, it’s a convergence of factors. Hormones, for one. Yesterday, I couldn’t decide if I craved orange juice or Ho-Ho’s more. I finally gave up and grabbed another dollar… very interesting combination, but not too horribly disgusting while hormonal, as it turns out.

But I think another factor is clearly: too many memories stirred up… memories that unbury unfortunate truths (I’d blatantly plagiarize a certain ex-vice president but, again, I’d like to avoid a bunch of political google hits) about myself. Truths that I can happily ignore 95% of my life, then analyze to the point of nausea during the remaining 5%.

Happy 5%... aren’t you thrilled to share it with me?

Amway, my most recent musings have been about the little girl inside. Not an awful lot of her left. The drama queen still does her best to show her colors. She still adores roller coasters, cartoons and 31 whole choices of flavors at Baskin Robbins. And somewhere, deep down inside, she still wants to be saved. Not really saved from my life… I have a great life, and I’m pretty happy with it. More like: saved from myself. From the emotional cage I’ve erected around myself, which keeps most peeps (especially men) at mac-truck length, and my own emotional balance in a steel grip. It's amazing how old depressions and mis-trusts can insidiously worm their way through the underbelly of one's mind to brush so many aspects of one's life. They just kinda lurk in the background, seemingly inoccuous, then strike with a frightening ferocity at THE most inopportune moments.

I've talked about this before, haven't I? Well, I'll try to come up with a new allegory next time.

Amway, so there lies the dichotomy of my life. There's the little girl who hates being so lonely and so completely out of control of my own psyche... and who wishes there were a magical answer or person who could fix it. And then there's the adult that has become so self-sufficient to the point of isolation. It's pride, of course. My deadliest "sin", I suppose. I do my best to rely on nobody… and, in fact, with most of the relationships I’ve developed, I tend to fill the supporting role and refrain from an awful lot of leaning of my own. And I like that… I like being supportive (to a point). And, as screwy as it sounds, I like suppressing most of my neurosis under that 95% of happiness so that I DON’T have to lean on peeps. Of course, every once in a while, this 5% comes out, and my friends are treated to the true head-case that I am. More points towards suppressing it, if you ask me.

Classic crap, no? Probly not the most healthy outlook, but I’m betting it’s not overly uncommon, either. It works. Amway, the irony of that little girl who wants to be saved from the emotionally vacant adult she’s become, is that only that self-same emotionally vacant adult can save her. She just doesn’t have a clue how.

I just love it when my head starts in on me with this psycho-babble crap. *sigh*

All right… well, the 5% Hour is over. Mebbe I'll actually get around to blogging about my new Project at home, next time.

Later.

Status Report

So I thought I'd pipe back in with an update on all the negativity from last month.

Mostly it's a lot better. I'm much better... the cat's much better. She's not entirely out of the woods yet, but her behavior is back to normal (thankfully the food = tail stomping phase was short-lived... with a few days at the end that I'm fairly sure were just for principal's sake), and we have one last follow-up appointment (*keeping fingers crossed*) next week.

Of course, my wallet is still in major labor pains. Not only did it have the cat and the dentist bills to contend with, but also some car repair that popped up within the last week... and more repairs projected for the near future. *groan* All total, roughly about $2K of unexpected expenses. Kind of a doozy... and gauranteeing I'm not going ANYwhere for a while. Oh well. I need to save some money anyway.

Amway, that's about it for now. Work's still crazy busy, so I'll have to keep this short and pipe back in when I have more to share.

Oh yeah... and it's still damned COLD. I hope that groundhog doesn't lie.

Aussie Ghosts

So I had a dream about my Aussie last night... or, rather, this morning, since I was having a difficult time waking up from it. Very interesting dream.

Amway, I got online, and there's my Yahoo reminder that today's his birthday! Haven't talked to him in at least a year, so I dunno where he is or what he's up to. The few attemptes I've made at contact have not been fruitful, so I'm not sure if he is unable or simply doesn't want to retain communication. It's hard to tell. I know he was pretty gung-ho to get into the action in Iraq. I DON'T know if he finally got what he wanted, or how that's working out for him, or if he's even still around. Not a pleasant lack of information, but I very much doubt he conducts his life in order to satisfy my comfort level. lol

So, I continue to send out an e-mail or a card for the important dates, and hope I'm not turning into an unwanted stalker. But history has shown that if I'm going to hear from him, it will be when hes' ready. He has his own demons to work through. I certainly understand those. So until then, I suppose I'll just have to wonder... and worry a little.

Wherever you are out there, dood... Happy Birthday.