The Case I Missed

So I won't spend much time describing the 3-day trial I could have been selected for jury duty this week. I'll just link to the stories about it (high profile in another county, so switched venues to Boone):

Wednesday's Story: Deputy’s trial in shootings under way

and Friday's Story re: the verdict: Deputy not guilty in traffic stop shootings

On the one hand, I think it would have been incredibly interesting to be involved in... on the other hand, I'm kinda glad I wasn't. I think it would have been a hard one. The best I can figure is that I was not selected because I've never been a drunk driver... that's the only question I answered. Evidently, they didn't want anybody who could be potentially biased against the witnessess... who had been drunk in a vehicle along with the victims of the case.

Not that I have some huge moral imperative against it (though I DO think it's monumentally stupid)... I'm sure if given the opportunity, I could easily have demonstrated such stupidity sometime in my life. I just don't like the taste of alcohol, so it's a tad difficult to get drunk, let alone get behind the wheel of a car while in such a state. But I guess the prosecution wasn't taking any chances. Oh well.

Amway, though I'm far from the opinion that the victims deserved what happened to them (drunk or not), I think I agree with the verdict, based on the little that I know about the case. I can't imagine being a cop. At all. It's very easy to remember the case of our own officer who was shot and killed at a traffic stop a few years ago, here in Columbia.

So on top of all THAT goin on, the courthouse was a-hoppin this week. They had jury cases comin out the ying-yang... including another 3-day trial in addition to the one I was called for. Which is evidently unusual for them. I ended up getting called twice... Tuesday and Thursday. The Thursday trial was evidently a domestic violence case that was dismissed because the defendent pleaded guilty that morning. But not until after I'd gotten my ass outta bed (again) at an ungawdly hour to get there on time, of course, but that's okay. Again, I'm rather glad I missed out on that one.

And no casese today, so I dodged the bullet this week. Though I was originally anticipating the week with interest, I think it's probably best I didn't have any more unpleasantness thrown at me than was already absolutely necessary.

Gone

So they say be careful what you ask for. I kept hoping Ms. Pukesalot could give her own two-cents worth about her fate, instead of my trying to interpret her behavior. And last weekend, she finally gave me her input... at great extent. She cried and cried all weekend. It was a hard weekend.

I thought the decision would be easier once I knew for sure which was the right choice. It wasn't. You know, there really isn't any delicate way to say "I killed my cat" without sounding trite. But there it is. The vet was able to get us in early Monday morning, so Pop was able to be with us... and Mom, not currently working, was there of course.

The rest of the day was not my best. Migraines are NOT a huge fan of all that crying. At least that phase didn't long... I thought I was doing okay until these last couple of days, when I crossed over into "cranky" land. With provocation, of course. Sometimes my boss can be a real pain in the ass, and he chose one helluva time to indulge in it. At least he's an equal opportunity ass, so I know I'm not special or anything... but still.

But at least it is now 5:30 on Friday, and it's time to go home. Tomorrow I have to take Gram to her hair appt... plus I have to start contemplating cleaning the house in preparation for Coffeehead's visit in a few weeks (and deciding whether or not I'm ready to clear out all the feline accoutraments)... but at least I'll finally have some healing "alone" time sometime this weekend.

At least I hope so... I'm in sore need of it. Poor Mom has really wanted to be there for me and help me through my loss and all... but for her, the healing process involves lots of hugs, and reaching out, and time spent with loved ones. For me, it means time to myself to find my center and recuperate. We compromised, though... Tuesday, after I was released after not being selected for jury duty around noon, she and I went out to lunch and saw a movie... then she and Pop wanted to take me to dinner. It was very nice of them, and I appreciated it. But between that, then working late Wednesday and Thursday to catch up with my missed time, I haven't had much of that "me" time. I sincerely plan to catch up this weekend. Hopefully.

And Even More Fun…

So I don’t know if it’s the several storm systems passing through (MO rivers are forecast to approach the spectacular flooding levels of ‘93 this week), or the stress of dealing with my less than pleasant choices discussed in my last post, or both… but I have had either one continuous migraine that won’t quite go away, or several one right after the other. Which has been fun.

The (kinda, somewhat, sorta, mebbe) good news is that this last VA visit yielded my decision to finally try some Imitrex, despite my concerns about Mom’s drastic reaction to it when she tried it a while back.

After my decision, but before trying it, I asked her again exactly what her reaction was… I’d forgotten. She said that Imitrex works by constricting the blood vessels (to counter a migraine which swells them)… only hers went a bit further than that, and constricted EVERYTHING, including her lungs. She couldn’t breathe. After that alarming little revelation, I was a tad apprehensive to try them. But, I finally determined a good time to do so (this past Friday evening) and where (at my folks’ place, so I wasn’t alone) when I had a good and blaring migraine.

The good news was: I was still able to breathe just fine. The bad news was: it made every part of my body throb with the increase of my blood pressure and heart rate… including my migraine, so it essentially made it worse. But there was one last bit of good news: after two hours of THAT, the pain was completely gone. At least for the next 22 hours. Unfortunately, I don’t think you’re supposed to take it more than 2 or 3 times a week, so poppin another one every night when the previous one wears off isn’t quite an option. Even if I was thrilled with the idea of 2 hours of intense pain in exchange for 22 hours of painlessness. A somewhat odd tit for tat.

So, I’ve (kinda, somewhat, sorta, mebbe) found an alternative to the Butalbital that I normally take for the pain. They both have their pluses and minuses, and the limitations that one gives me in certain settings, might be made up by the other.

But, now that I know that the Imitrex won’t kill me or send me into contortions gasping for air, I know I can experiment with different strengths of migraines and different settings to see how it well it’ll work for me. However, the workplace is most definitely NOT an appropriate setting to try it, so I’ve been poppin the other stuff all week.

Amway, the continuous migraines have also contributed to my decision to refrain from overtime this week.

Uncomfortable Decision

So okay, it’s more like a seriously crappy decision. I keep putting it off… looking for more definitive benchmarks to help me figure out the right thing to do. Nothing’s helping. How does one determine how far along a disease has progressed to decide that quality of life is compromised enough to consider euthanasia a humane alternative?

This is where I am now with Ms. Pukesalot. I’m past the point of: “I know it’s coming up some day soon, so I’ll worry about it when it gets here.” I’m past the point of: “Let’s see if one more dose of subcutaneous fluids helps, and then I’ll decide what to do.” I’m even past the point of, “Let’s see how MUCH one more dose of fluids helps, and then I’ll call the vet and ask her opinion.”

I’m now at the point of not knowing how to call the vet and ask “Do you think I should kill my cat now?” A big part of me desperately wants her to tell me what to do, but I highly suspect she won’t. She’s already told me that there’s nothing else that we can do, and once fluids stop working, that’s pretty much the end of the road. Besides, this isn’t her decision… it’s mine, and I’m a big fat weenie for wanting to push that off on somebody else. I sincerely wish Ms. Pukesalot could put her two cents worth in, but unfortunately all I can do is try to gauge her behavior. Which isn’t promising.

She stopped eating on her own about 3 weeks ago. I first started force feeding her just a little, hoping that would motivate her to eat a bit. But it wasn’t working, and she is now disturbingly gaunt. I steadily increased the amount and regularity of her feedings, but it’s not a pleasant experience, and she promptly hides from me afterwards for at least an hour or so.

The administering of fluids is an even less pleasant experience. After that first disastrous try, I did much better on the second try, but she fought hard, and it took all three of us to hold her down. This last time, I was worried about how lethargic she was and wanted to give her a dose early… but chickened out and ended up taking her in to the vet for it. She didn’t fight as badly there, but I think she was too busy being nervous about the vet to put up too much of a fuss.

Her “perkiness” after each dose of fluids is markedly declining as well. I really paid attention this last time (Monday), looking for clues. She was a little more back to her old self… poking her face in mine to wake me up in the morning… following me to bed in the evening… actually getting up and move around a little bit during the day… talking to me a little bit… and not looking at me with that… “off” look in her eyes. But when she’s not hiding after I’ve fed her, she still spends most of her time just laying like a lethargic bump on a log… and rarely in my lap. Last time, her improved behavior lasted about a week after her dose of fluids. This time, the benefits seem to be waning a little sooner.

But it’s so hard to tell. I’m never sure to trust my own judgment… I mean, I see her every day… it’s hard to gauge small yet steady changes. She doesn’t seem to be in distress or pain or discomfort. She just seems to have lost the will to live. Is this death-sentence material? The cats we’ve had in the past who had kidney failure experienced spectacularly unpleasant symptoms near the end. It was very easy to decide the humane thing to do for them.

But is it right to kill Ms. Pukesalot when she’s obviously declining but NOT in obvious distress, before it gets to the point of a horrible death?

Should I stop all of my efforts to keep the rest of her as healthy as I can, and let everything fail, or let her starve to death?

Or should I continue the unpleasant business of force feeding her every day, and the traumatic experience of pushing fluids once a week (or more often, depending on how quickly this goes), and hope nature is kind to her in the end?

Option 2 is out of the question. Besides the fact that I refuse to watch my cat starve to death, that is just plain negligence, pure and simple.

Contemplating Option 3 is much akin to facing down a particularly grueling trek through crocodile-infested jungles… for an indeterminate amount of time. But am I avoiding that choice because it will be harder on me or because it will be harder on her? I thought that by this point it would be eas(ier) to determine that, but it’s actually harder, because all of my indicators for making this choice are about as clear as mud.

I don’t want to just kill my cat because she’s become a burden to me… but as Mom quite succinctly pointed out, I don’t to make her suffer because I’m afraid of being selfish. I just have no idea how to determine how much she’s actually “suffering”. How much should the fluids be working? What defines “working”?

My apprehension over this decision is not that I want to keep her with me as long as possible. I’m ready to let her go. A less-than-admirable part of me was ready to let her go a long time ago (in a different way), but a sense of obligation… as well as familiarity and affection for her … helped me decide to keep her around. No, my problem is being responsible for the actual termination of a life without knowing for sure it’s the best option for that life. That’s always been a sensitive spot for me. I’ve never had to test it before… and I’m not horribly thrilled to be presented with an opportunity to do so now. Yeah, yeah, I know...goes with the territory of being a pet-owner.

*sigh*

I should have been working overtime this week to catch up on work. My boss finally authorized it a few weeks ago, and I got a good amount in last week. But Mom, speaking from experience, has convinced me that I will kick myself to oblivion if I essentially abandon Ms. Pukesalot during her last days. So I’m doing my best to get caught up during normal work hours. Fortunately, the office has been relatively slow this week, and I’ve made decent headway. Unfortunately, I haven’t had as good of luck pushing the distraction of all this unpleasant business out of my head.

Mother’s Day is this Sunday, and I’ve wondered if it might be a good idea for my family (including Gram) to come to my place for dinner… and to have one last chance to see Ms. Pukesalot. At least in a pleasant setting. Mom and Pop have told me they’ll be with me for moral support if I need it whenever I have to make a decision, but the vet will hardly be an optimal setting for pleasant good-byes.

Amway, that’s about all the agonizing over the situation that I can articulate. The rest of it is still milling about in my head… and my conscience. But it does help to at least get some of it down in some sort of coherent fashion.

We’ve Got a Winner!

So after a month of an agonizing interview and selection process, we’ve finally hired a new Admin. Assistant for the department… yay! She seems extremely competent, but is also very personable, and not ambitious. I think she’ll be a great fit. Here’s hoping, anyway.

She’s going to start in two weeks, and will be plastered to my side for the first several months… or however long it takes to download a good chunk of what’s in my head about this place into hers. Then mebbe I can cut down this pile of contracts to draft, some of which or a few months old… *sigh*

Surreal Week

Tuesday

So last week was a pretty surreal week for me. Starting on Tuesday with a trip to Rolla with the rest of the admin staff in the division, for our annual UM-wide campus facilities meeting between all four campuses. We normally hold them at Columbia, since we’re the most centrally located between the four campuses, but suggestions were made at the last meeting that a change of scenery would be nice. And it was. Rolla’s campus is significantly smaller than ours, and very specialized, but it was still a nice little campus to check out. Aside from the drive back through the downpour. Thankfully, I wasn't driving.

Thursday

Then on Thursday, we were supposed to have our Administrative Professionals Appreciation Celebration (a trip to the park) given by our project managers… but we were rained in, as it were. However, it was probably a good thing we weren’t out at the park, anyway, since one of my coworkers proceeded to have a grand-mal seizure here at work that afternoon. She was rushed to the E.R., and they discovered she has a mass a bit smaller than a ping-pong ball in her brain. Fortunately, they think it’s benign, and it’s close to the skull… so she’s in surgery today for them to remove it. Of course, being the workaholic that she is, she’s been working from home… pretty much all the way up to her surgery time. *shaking head* But then, as the Office Manager mentioned this morning, work is probably her outlet. Especially from fussing about the surgery too much.

Friday

Friday, I took the day off for VA appointments all day. It started with getting stopped for speeding, since I was thoroughly distracted by trying to get the hospital ASAP so I could get my fasting labs drawn and I could finally eat… I was starving to death! So, of course, I completely forgot to slow down in front of the middle school… even though there were no children anywhere in the vicinity. By 9 am, most are in class. But that doesn’t matter when there’s a sign that says “slow down”, and I was stopped… right in front of a bus stop. So, when the bus came around, and I was waiting and waiting and waiting for the cop to finally come back with my license, I was treated to a good chewing-out by the bus driver. That was fun. So 5 hours later (or maybe it was only 10 minutes), the cop finally came back and handed me my license and a warning. Thankfully.

The VA hospital was good and crowded, so everything went at a snail’s pace… and when I finally got in to see the Neurologist for my migraine appt., the man had to have been the most computer-illiterate person I’d met in my life. Hunt-and-peck would be a kind term for his typing, and he kept getting himself booted from the system. AND he was extremely condescending. So far, I’ve met with three different neurologists for these appointments, and all but one have had attitudes I’m not overly thrilled with. But oh well. One good thing about seeing a new doc every time is that each has a new idea to try for my migraines. Not that any of them have worked, of course, but one can never stop trying.

Amway, in between and after all of my appointments, Mom and I went to lunch, then ran some errands. I wanted to be able to spend the entire weekend going absolutely nowhere and doing absolutely nothing. I DID manage to not go anywhere, but didn’t have as good of luck at doing nothing. But it was a nice weekend, regardless. My weekends have been so hectic recently… between visits with IHOP Buddy, and cat/house sitting for the folks while they were in Florida, and finishing up my project at home, this was my first opportunity to just relax and enjoy.

Busy Horizon

So I have quite an interesting month ahead of me. First, the Office Manager will be gone next week, so the rest of us will be doing a little bit of double duty to hold down the fort.

Oh, and I probably shouldn't forget my birthday, but that's hardly an exciting occasion. The one good thing that will mostly likely come of it will be some of Mom's home-made cream-of-potato soup. Mmmmmm We all get to choose our birthday dinner, and that has been my consistent choice for forever. :)

Jury Duty

Amway, the week after the Office Manager's vacation, and the week before my birthday, I have possible jury duty. I have a pretty low juror number, so there’s a good chance I may be called, if there’s a case. I’ve been summoned for jury duty twice before in my life. The first time, I actually made it to the jury selection process, and was dismissed because I knew the defense attorney (I’d worked across the hall from him when I was working in another attorney’s office). But that was good because I felt very strongly at the time against being being forced to pass judgment on somebody else.

The second time I was summoned would have been smack in the middle of my trip to Australia for the 2000 Olympics… fortunately, they let me out of that one.

And here’s my third… and now, I’m kinda finding it a little interesting. I almost hope I do get chosen just to see what it’s like. Maybe it's part of that maturing business... who knows. Amway, I’ve been a part of a trial before (as an Exhibit… very long story), but never a juror. I’m not as hung up on all that “passing judgment” bit as I used to… though, I still don’t think I could do a murder trial or anything like that. That’s just a bit too much “the fate of somebody’s life in my hands” for my comfort.

Another Parental Trip

Somewhere in the mix, the folks will be taking another trip this month (albeit much shorter) to Iowa to look into some possible consulting work for Mom. It’s just supposed to be a couple of days, so I won’t have as much cat/house sitting as last time. But still… I think they’re planning the trip for the week I have jury duty, so that should prove interesting.

A Visit With Coffeehead!

And last but not least, my friend Coffeehead will be coming to visit at the end of the month! I’m very excited. She’s the one I visited in Iowa last year… August, I think. She’s going to be traveling to the Ukraine for a couple of weeks starting tomorrow, for her research work at school. When she asked if I wanted anything, I told her a keychain, and then a visit so she could deliver it in person. And so she is! Just a weekend, but it will be awesome to have a visitor. Especially since I’m cutting myself off from traveling anywhere this year… trying to be good and not spend money.

And it will be a perfect time ot have a visitor, since I just finished up my re-organization project at home, and it is thoroughly presentable. All I have left is to find some thermal blinds for my west-facing windows and sliding glass door, since that part of my home gets so hot during the warm season after they tore out all my trees back there. Mom has agreed to help me shop for those... we're planning on this weekend.

So that’s pretty much it that I can think of at the moment. Lunch is drawing to a close, so I need to dive back into these contracts. My boss just recently discovered how backed up I am (at one of the Admin finalist interviews, no less), and has finally authorized me overtime until I get caught up. Which is nice… I’ve already logged in several hours of overtime this week, though I’m not really sure how caught up I am. I really do enjoy helping folks, and having the most experience and knowledge in the office to be the go-to girl… however, it just doesn’t seem to be very conducive to catching up on the most time-intensive and complicated work in the admin staff’s repertoire.

But that’s what getting this new person in will be good for. At least I’m sincerely hoping so.