So I spent just about my entire night on the phone last night. I think it’s safe to say my spate of anti-socialicity is officially over. lol I was late getting outta the office, cuz my Aussie caught up to me online, and I almost always end up stayin a li’l late chattin with him. Plus, I was tryin to resize the pic he wanted me to post, and finally just determined I needed to finish it up at home.
Sometime during that conversation, IHOP Buddy popped in and reminded me I’d promised to send her the links to download some good anti-virus and adware protection software. So I was tryin to look those up, too.
And then Halloween Nut (I’ll shorten it to H.N. for now) IM’d me with a frantic message that she REALLY needed to talk. Her internet connection isn’t the most reliable, and we have the worst time tryin to chat on Yahoo sometimes, so we figured a phone call would best be in order. But I wasn’t even home yet!
So I pretty much cut everything short, promising Aussie and IHOP Buddy that I’d finish up with them later, and H.N. that I’d call her as soon as I got home… packed up shop and headed home.
No Time to Stop and Smell Dinner
Almost as soon as I walked in the door, my phone rang, and it was Radish… who is embroiled in the same problem as H.N., and needed to talk, herself. She seemed to be relatively calm on the matter… she was more kind of caught in the middle of a situation, though she still played a small role in it. So I told her I needed to call H.N. first, cuz she seemed to be really upset, and I’d get back to Radish just as soon as I could.
So my brain’s kinda reelin by that point, and I hadn’t eaten yet, but couldn’t figure out what to make, and didn’t really have the time or attention to put towards the decision. So I just took the time to change out of my work clothes and wash my face before callin H.N.
The Blow Up
The situation is evidently the “minor blow-up” that I mentioned a few days ago after talking to Radish. Though, it has obviously now elevated from minor to major. One other individual is involved, and she and H.N. are on opposing sides of the problem, with Radish stuck in the middle cuz she was there when the blow-up happened.
In all, I think the crux of the issue is that H.N. very much needs to be mistress of her own life. Her parents ran her life, and then the boyfriend she was with when she and I shared an apartment, then her husband. And then her parents again when she moved back in with them after her husband left. Her father is a very hard individual, and H.N. has been inundated with criticism about her life and her choices, for the past four years. Expecting judgment and criticism has now become second nature to her. And she was raised not to talk back or stand up. She can’t stand confrontation, and does not know how to tell somebody that their words or actions hurt her. All she knows is hurting and getting angry. And then all kinds of stupid things are said and done when one is angry.
The Beginning of the Journey
She’s finally on her own now… she has her own life… she needs to be able to make her own decisions, and she needs the support of her friends. She also has a long way to go towards emotional strength and maturity. And she HAS started that journey. But all that her friends see are what they perceive as mistakes… and how they think she should handle them. They want to help her and offer advice… but one can take only so much unsolicited advice before it starts coming across as criticism.
Hasty Bonds
The situation was compounded by the fact that the person on the other end of the conflict is a very close friend to H.N… and Radish, too, though this is mostly about the other two. They consider themselves “sisters” and forged a very strong bond very quickly. They were both going through the same drama of separation and/or divorce from their husbands, so there was a kinship of understanding. This friend filled a role H.N. very desperately needed.
However, I honestly think that may have been part of the problem. She DOES feel like she needs to throw herself into her friendships, like she needs that close, strong bond… and she does it so quickly that they don’t have a chance to learn the not-so-positive things about each other. And the relationship is already highly strung with emotion by it’s very nature, so when an insecurity raises it’s ugly head, the “honeymoon” is shattered.
At least that’s how I saw it from an outside perspective. I think it made sense to her, too, though. She’s already settled down from her anger, and is very concerned about salvaging her friendship. However, according to Radish (who has also been trying to smooth feathers) the other friend is very hurt, though not so angry anymore. The general consensus is that she just needs some time to cool. I think if their bond is as close as they thought it was, the friendship will survive. They will just know more about each other… and how to communicate with each other. To know how the other party will be receptive to what they have to say. One can be all kinds of proud of being straightforward and blunt, but if the person you’re tryin to get your point across to won’t be receptive to the way you’re saying it, it accomplishes absolutely nothing but leaving you feeling self-righteous.
Radish's Way
But wait… that wasn’t the end of it. Also involved was an undercurrent between Radish and H.N. that’s been going on for a long time. Radish is self-admittedly quite opinionated. She has a strong sense of right and wrong, and how things should be done, and won’t hesitate to share her thoughts on the matter. She also does not seem to able to help herself sometimes, dropping li’l comments here and there about how something could be done better, according to her way of thinking.
I honestly don’t remember her doing that very much when we were in school… at least towards me. So when I noticed her doing it a li’l bit during her family’s visit to Misery a few years ago, I attributed it to her becoming a mother. I jokingly informed her that she was gonna have to stop that. I don’t think she really consciously realized she was doing it, and she kinda took a step back, payed attention to what she was sayin, and respected my wishes to do things my way in my home.
Halloween Nut's Way
However, H.N. was always the silly one of the group. She frequently acted like a silly li’l kid, the clown… partly, I think, because folks expected her to be that way. There always was much darker issues goin on in the inside, but on the outside was the carefree silliness. So that’s how folks tended to treat her. Including, I think, Radish to some extent. So Radish’s tendency to “correct” became her natural interaction with H.N…. even after adulthood.
Add in H.N.’s predeliction to perceive criticism from everybody, and inability to express her dislike of the treatment, it grew into enough of a problem that she began to withdraw from Radish as a friend, and hesitate to share with her about some things.
Communication, Communication, Communication
So, with the help of 3-way calling (my inaugural use of my service, btw, though I’ve had it for at least a year) and my mediation, I think a lotta of things got out in the open. I told H.N. that I thought she might better be able to approach her friends about how she feels if she took the matter to them BEFORE she is hurt. Because after the damage has just been done, there’s no way she’ll be able to accomplish anything but be hurt and angry and silent, and the cycle will perpetuate.
Radish came to a few realizations, herself, and pledged to start consciously viewing their relationship as it has evolved into adulthood, and treating her accordingly. And H.N., I think, is going to try to work on trusting her friends not to judge… and to learn to accept their advice as it is intended and not as criticism. It will, of course, be a process, and all will not immediately be hunky dory… but hopefully the ball has been sent into motion.
Plus, it is my understanding that Radish will in turn assume my role to mediate between H.N. and the other friend, when the time is right for the both of them to communicate.
AccomplishmentThough the whole thing was quite draining, I DO feel a certain sense of accomplishment. My friends have always felt they can come to me with their problems… and I guess I have a knack for seein a different perspective and being able to suggest a new possibility where all that could be seen before was a dead end. I know with a few of my group friendships, including this one, I tend to be the glue of sorts. My bond to each is strong individually, but their connections to each other can be tenuous… until I’m there to bring em together again, and then we’re a cohesive group again.
Suspicions Confirmed
And if I had any doubts before, I have none now in my being needed back home. It’s almost scary how much I recognize what H.N. is feeling and experiencing. She is me 13 years ago. In fact, Radish humorously reminded me of the drama queen temper tantrums THEY used to weather from ME back in high school. So I think I may have a somewhat better perspective about the reasons behind her actions than the others around her. And I believe I understand the kind of support she needs. I feel like she’s flailing in the dark… she’s terrified of destroying her friendships, and is in danger of withdrawing from them completely. But we have 15 years of history… I know her dark side, and she knows mine. She needs something to hold onto in making steps towards not being afraid of herself or her friendships. I think her friends are beginning to understand, for which I am thankful, and I hope they can work this through with her. I just know I want to be there, too. And I sincerely hope that I can.
Post-Trauma
Amway, after I finished my li’l journey through that particular wringer, I then got back to sending IHOP Buddy her links, and getting Aussie’s pic resized to post here. He was still online, so I popped in to say hi, and sorry for takin so long. He was cool with that, but then tells me he’s not sure if he’s happy with me or not, after reading some of my blog. Then proceeded to say brb and disappeared! Doh! I know my post about him had already received the a-okay, so I honestly have no idea what he could have found objectionable. I’m not horribly worried about it… he didn’t really seem upset. And he frequently disappears at the drop of a hat for one reason or another, and who knows when he'll get back. So it's not that big of a deal. But it was just a perfect cap to the night… lol And my curiosity is still raging, dammit.
Focker’d best get back online and ‘splain himself. ;)
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